I didn’t think hooking up with a man in a wheelchair would make me nervous until I was on my way to his house. This past summer, I was chatting with a guy on Grindr, and it took me a minute to notice until after we exchanged more photos. I figured it didn’t have to change anything. But I started to get in my head, worrying if I might ask the wrong question or if anything needed to be done, well, differently.
Truthfully, I don’t know if I would have been as comfortable with the idea had I not developed a cyber crush on Carson Tueller, a gay man who has unveiled his life on the internet as a wheelchair user, turning his hardships into wisdom anyone can relate to. Luckily, my Grindr date and I had enough banter for me to feel at ease quickly. He wasn’t shy about taking charge of the situation while letting me take charge of him. I learned there was nothing to worry about when people acted with good intentions and trusted each other.
Of course, life’s not always that simple, and I didn’t take notes. While Tueller didn’t respond to my interview request in time, I was able to ask beauty influencer Keith Parris and photographer Robert Coombs about the best ways to interact with gay men with disabilities—including them—online.
Gay Hookup Culture is More Nuanced for Disabled Men
Keith Parris said it’s absolutely fine if you call him disabled as long as the term doesn’t become a prelude to his existence. In other words, don’t make it a thing. At 26 years old, he’s had time to cope with being an amputee on his lower left leg, own it, write a book about it that went viral, and collaborate with multiple celebrities, including Rihanna. He feels comfortable enough in his skin to handle your interest or rejection.
For example, Parris’ missing limb still lets him lead a relatively ordinary life compared to someone without leg mobility, that is until the clothes come off. “Grindr was my introduction to hooking up and having guys flirt with me, and even just like interacting with gay men. It opened up just a whole different world for me,” says Parris, echoing an experience felt by any gay man who grew up in the closet. “I try to show my leg up front after exchanging thirst traps and all that… and even in this day and age, I have to say a lot of guys just don’t vibe with me after they see my disability.”
The influencer doesn’t take people’s shortsighted limitations to heart, but he’d prefer you not specify that his leg is the problem. A simple “you’re not my type!” or ignoring his messages, like you would with anyone else, would suffice. “It’s not even just about me,” says Parris. There are still people out there who say things like ‘no Asians, no femmes, no fats.’ And that’s the biggest turn-off to see online. You’re not just rejecting whatever box I fit in, you’re rejecting an entire group of people!”
Fighting Stigma with Confidence
Parris has found plenty of men who appreciate him leading with his disability as his strength, and he says he has made a point to open his mind about all preferences, including the age-old question of “top, bottom, or verse?” From his own experience, he believes there’s a lot of foreplay fun to be had between two bottoms, which has also made him embrace being verse bottom.
Sexual preferences and gay subcultures can be extremely empowering, such as daddies and bears, which are terms that can give confidence to those struggling with aging or being heavier. But the line between personal preference and discrimination can become increasingly blurred. At what point does discarding or seeking someone based on physical appearance become prejudice? Some might say race. But if you ask Robert Coombs, not having sex with someone solely because of their disability is a form of discrimination, no matter if that makes you feel guilty.
“I came out before becoming disabled due to a neck injury in college,” says Coombs, who remembers being far more terrified of telling his parents that he’s gay than disabled. Accessibility became important to him when he became a wheelchair user for many reasons, including struggling with arm mobility initially. He couldn’t type to flirt with cute men on the apps. “A few years later, when the iPhone 4s came out, with Siri and everything, that was groundbreaking,” he says. Grindr’s voice transcription enabled him to join gay hookup culture.
A Lesson on Owning Who You Are
Although people want you to see their humanity before their disability, Coombs has made a name for himself by shamelessly owning it. He photographs self portraits showcasing what it means to be gay, sensual and disabled. Still, he says he could do without society’s trolls or being treated like a second class citizen. For example, he’ll find someone who has a blurb about being okay with sexy pictures—until he sends one. Then they get upset with him or say something nasty for sending what they explicitly gave everyone else permission to send. “One guy once told me I'd rather not f**k my vegetables, to which I replied, vegetables need love too,” says Coombs. “Being gay is to have a tough skin because of all the shit we go through and the same with having a disability.”
More than anything, Coombs says when you’re interacting with a person with a disability, take them at their word… or profile, like you would anyone else. If it says they are top or verse, like him, that obviously means they can get hard. All injuries/disabilities impact people differently. And don’t ask them questions about their history or abilities unless you’re actually interested in meeting them! “I’ve always been a confident person, and when I wouldn’t disclose right away or take ownership of my disability, that actually felt a lot harder,” he says. “When I lead with it, the right people can find me.” And he says those experiences with men who aren’t afraid of intimacy or of being with someone who requires an extra level of care make it all worth it.
As for my own rendezvous with a wheelchair user, I learned that the saying “everyone is the same height laying down” is a lot more universal than just about height.
From flirting to foreplay, here’s what disabled men actually want you to know—and what they don’t owe you.
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