Dear Dad: Quarantine Queeries

Dear Dad

I’ve been masturbating so much in self-isolation and I feel like I’m completely bored with it now. The romance is gone. Any advice?

—Run out of juice

ROOJ,

I’m glad you brought this up because I have a tirade prepared that I was hoping I’d be able to use soon. Go with me on this: masturbating is not fast food, it’s a fancy restaurant. Too many guys treat this sacred time as though it’s the Taco Bell of activities—go in, grab your order, eat as fast as you can, have a stomach ache afterwards. No, I say. No, no, no. Masturbation should be a full-course meal at a fancy restaurant—you order a nice wine (poppers), pick a fabulous entrée (memory of getting fucked at Folsom), and slowly enjoy your meal while you sit on a butt plug. Okay, I lost the metaphor somewhere back there, but you get what I’m saying—masturbation is a time of self-care and love and should be treated as such. No quick fix—a new toy or a better porn site–will fix your libido if you aren’t investing in yourself. Masturbate less, but masturbate better.

My husband and I had to move in with his parents due to financial reasons. Our intimacy has suffered since then and I don’t know what to do. Please help.

—Intimacy denied

ID,

There is the famous saying, “Hell is other people,” but I think I’d go one step further: hell is other people’s parents. I kid, I kid…mostly. Obviously being stuck in someone else’s space, especially during a quarantine, is not an ideal situation—that you’re living with your in-laws only adds insult to injury. You’ve got all the ingredients for trouble in paradise, but if I’ve learned anything in this life it’s how to bone on the sly, so here are a few pro tips: take a shower together, the water will drown out your moans and you won’t even work up a sweat. Go outside, I had a multiple orgasm in a tool shed once, heaven. Use a ball gag, if a man cums in his room without making a noise, did he even cum? Do a drive-by, go out for a nice Sunday drive and blow him in the car. Now, if none of this works it’s time to bust out the big guns—buy your in-laws ear plugs and recommend that they use them before bed.  

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I’ve been talking to this guy for a while now and we were supposed to meet up before the “stay at home” order. I haven’t seen anyone in a month, neither has he…can we meet up if we’re safe about it?

—Looking to connect

LTC,

Look, I get it, going through a pandemic is traumatizing, and going through one alone is also incredibly isolating on top of everything else. I, too, am in that boat, so I especially empathize in your wanting to meet up with a boy to...talk. However, it would be incredibly irresponsible to do so at this time. Your loneliness and desire for connection is valid, but lives are at stake. We have to sacrifice some personal desires for the greater good. Fortunately, physical touch isn’t the only way to connect with someone. If you really like him you should try calling or FaceTiming—not only will you get to know him better, but you’ll also be able to have phone sex. How do you think long distance couples make it work? Put your device to good use and blow his mind (and his load) with your scandalous wit, wicked tongue, and unlimited data plan. There are a million ways to connect, but for right now, it’s best to connect from home. Stay safe, LTC.

It feels like my boyfriend and I should break up. We’re fighting so much in quarantine, but he just moved into my apartment recently. I don’t know what to do.

—Stuck

Stuck,

Isn’t life so strange? It never fails to amaze me the way things fall into—and out of—place. When I was 23 I moved into a beautiful house with my partner. We had been together for three years and he was the one, no questions asked, so we splurged for our dream house: laundry, fireplace, backyard, even a fire pit! I had never lived so luxuriously. Two months later we got bed bugs. Everywhere. We had to pay four different exterminators and sleep on a cot in the family room for a month. By the end of it we could barely look at each other, so we broke up. We haven’t spoken since. I’m so sorry this is happening at such an awkward and difficult time, it sucks. Talk to your man openly and honestly, trust your gut, and then do what’s best for you both. Sometimes tough times reveal the solid foundation of a relationship, and sometimes they reveal the bugs under the mattress.