Open, Undisclosed: Are Non-Monogamous Couples Allowed to Act Like They’re Single?

My friend recently went on a date.

I call it a date because, by all appearances, that’s what it was. He met a man at a Brooklyn loft party, felt an instant connection, and spent all night discovering mutual interests. It wasn’t until dinner a week later that the guy mentioned his boyfriend. “It’s cool though,” he said with a smile. “We’re open.” Translation: don’t worry, we can still have sex.

My friend was understandably heartbroken. Yes, it was only a first date, but he’d already allowed himself to fantasize he’d found the one, when in reality he was only ever auditioning to be a third wheel.

This sort of confusion is becoming more and more common.

Thanks to the ever-expanding circuit and the miracle that is Grindr, the gay community is more connected than ever. For singles, the options seem limitless. But the rise of open relationships means their dating pool is increasingly filled with charming, sexually charged fish… who somehow fail to mention they already have a 6’4’’ finance dolphin at home.

So it's time we had the conversation: while every non-monogamous couple is free to establish their own rules for themselves, what are the rules when it comes to the people they’re pursuing? In other words: if you’re open, do you have to disclose?

The debate

At first, this seems like a no-brainer: yes, anyone who is already seeing someone should mention that before they become sexually or romantically involved with anyone else.

But not everyone sees it that way.

The question came up for me one night when I was at a bar with a married friend. He was flirting with a stranger when at one point, without any ill intent, I mentioned his husband. It instantly killed the vibe, and the guy made a quick excuse to leave. My friend was furious: “Thanks a lot!!”

This led to an argument: while I didn’t mean to kill his vibe, didn’t the guy have a right to know?

We surveyed our friends at the bar and found ourselves split down party lines: all the singles agreed you should have to mention your open relationship upfront, while those in said relationships were offended by the notion.

The single POV was obvious: we’re looking for love! Even in casual settings, the expectation and hope exists that an initial spark could lead to something more…so if that’s off the table from the first meeting, it seems only fair to make that immediately clear. Right?

Other than rampant horniness, what possible justification was there for keeping your partner a secret?

The defense

The couples’ counter? It might be wrong to directly state they are single, but they have no obligation to volunteer info that might make them less desirable.

After all, singles mislead each other all the time. Lying to get laid is a time-honored tradition (not to mention the plot of every pre-2016 sitcom).

I couldn’t argue with that. Once, on a first date, I accidentally stumbled into a dicey political argument. I already knew it wasn't a love connection, and he was hot… so rather than keep fighting, I relented, and let him believe he had fully converted me to his views in the time it took to drink one margarita.

Not all deceptions are that despicable. Sometimes you’re genuinely being polite when you pretend to care about the concert footage of the Swiftie twink you’re dancing with. Or when you imply you see a future with a crystal-collecting astrologist before post-nut clarity sends you running for the hills.

When we’re into someone and caught up in the moment, we’re all liable to fudge the truth to get what we want. Why should men in open relationships be any different?

And if they are forced to disclose, where does it end? Must they announce their betrothal to the darkroom? Do they have to scream-splain their situationship over thudding club music?

Maybe it’s singles who need to change their assumptions in this post-monogamy world. Just because someone wants to have sex with you or even date you doesn’t necessarily mean they’re single too.

The verdict

These were solid arguments, but I think there was something deeper behind them.

What these couples were really saying was that opening up a relationship isn’t just about having more sex. It’s about restoring the sense of possibility that comes with being single. When people delay mentioning their SO, they’re not being malicious — they’re just enjoying that long-lost feeling of freedom.

The only problem is… they’re not free. And pretending to be for a stranger’s sake, as fun as it may be, effectively means roleplaying with someone who doesn’t know it’s a game.

So here’s how I see it: in a purely sexual encounter — at a bathhouse or an all-business Grindr hookup — the couples are right. There is no obligation to volunteer any personal info.

But the second things progress beyond that — even to basic get-to-know-you Q’s like “where are you from” — it becomes a lie of omission to not to mention the most important person in your life. Especially when you know their mere existence might be a dealbreaker.

So, if you’ve hit the jackpot and managed to find love, stability, and a free pass to sleep with anybody you want, do the right thing once you realize a connection is more than just physical: tell your potential romantic partner that you’re in an open relationship. If you’re on apps and looking for friends or more, mention it in your profile. If you’re at a bar and the conversation goes deeper, bring it up proudly.

I promise you’ll still find plenty of guys down for the ride.