What Is a Stone Top? How to Know if You Are One

Sex is a lot like gift-giving: Sometimes, you give just to see the light fill their eyes. And other times, you like to get nailed against the window until you can barely see.

Some people are better gift givers than receivers, and vice versa. But sex differs in that there’s a bit of a thicker line between those who give and receive, especially when it comes to pleasure.

In the queer world, we’ve got terminology to describe those who fall on specific points in the pleasure-extending spectrum. But as the LGBTQ community grows, so does our glossary. Let’s take a more granular look at how sexuality and sexual preferences are expressed in the queer community and the words we use to describe them.

Tops, bottoms, and everything in between

Role call! If you’re new to gay sex, you’re probably curious as to how this whole hole thing works. It’s actually pretty simple, even if figuring out where you land can be a journey for some.

Tops in the gay vernacular are those who primarily give during sex. History likes to pretend that tops are usually masc-presenting, but many gay men out there can tell you that a blouse fits just fine.

In fact, masculinity has very little to do with it. It’s the same story for bottoms; who says you have to be femme to get a proper plowing? The perception of receiving as inherently femme can even be somewhat problematic, especially with gay men, because it’s often viewed as “less than” in some circles. 

We hate to break it to you, but this is latent misogyny at work. Honestly, it’s time to do better and let the divas swing their dicks, for fuck’s sake.

Lesbi-honest

Before we get too far into this, let’s talk lesbians. Their definitions of top and bottom can often be quite different, and understanding this is highly pertinent to the overall discussion about stone tops.

For them, top and “butch” are often synonymous, as are bottom and “femme.” But, just like with gay men, lesbian femmes can top — being more dominant or giving in the bedroom — without smudging their lipstick lesbian status. There are no rules, only guidelines.

What about me?

Is it possible for someone to not fit into any of these boxes? Absolutely! Identifying as vers is common in the LGBTQ community. Vers means that you’re generally down to clown in either direction.

But you can even take it one step further and identify as a vers top or vers bottom, implying that you have a preference but like to dabble on the other side if the stars align (and you’ve adequately douched).

If you still don’t see yourself in any of these descriptions, don’t fret: Many eschew these titles altogether. Trans, bisexual, asexual, and genderqueer individuals, for example, might have more fluid definitions regarding their sexuality and role preferences. And it’s absolutely possible to see someone present as butch or masculine on the outside but prefer to take a more passive role in the bedroom, even if that means they aren’t necessarily a bottom. (And don’t even get us started on Doms and subs.)

Do we have your head spinning yet? Fortunately, you’re the one defining your sexuality for yourself. So, as long as you feel comfortable with your identifier, then fuck everything else! Or, you know, get fucked by it. Whatever floods your moat.

What is a stone top?

On to the term of the hour: the stone top. Hearing the term, you might think, “Okay, that’s someone who just lies there and doesn’t make any noise, right?” Well, not quite. The term actually has some pretty fascinating lore behind it.

{{video-inline-cta}}

Let’s go, lesbians!

Stone top is a term primarily used in the lesbian community. However, its sentiment can certainly apply to gay, bisexual, or genderqueer individuals as well. The term more specific to lesbians is “touch-me-not,” which can often be used instead of “stone.” 

Regardless, the feeling is generally the same: Those described as stone tops are firm in their disinterest or even distaste for receiving. This can go as far as never receiving sexual touch. Those who fall into this category get their jimmies off from pleasing their partner.

Legend of the stone butch

Stone butch is used to describe butch lesbians who exclusively top in their relationships. These lesbians are chivalrous AF, deriving their pleasure from pleasing their partner, who is usually a stone bottom. You might be more familiar with stone bottoms as “pillow princesses” — those who like to lie back and enjoy the literal and metaphorical ride.

But now, lesbians and butch individuals aren’t the only ones adopting the stone moniker. People across the queer spectrum, regardless of their levels of masculinity or femininity, are using the term to describe themselves or their partners.

Stereotypes don’t help the conversation, to no one’s surprise. But now that we’re finally breaking free of binaries, androgynous individuals have entered the chat. Nonbinary hunties are feeling the stone fantasy. And trans folks are finding their footing within the veritable zen garden that is the stone community.

Despite its origins in lesbian lore, to quote the poet laureate Gia Gunn, “There’s room for everybody; let’s just say that.”

Stone top’s meaning: Truly untouchable?

Does someone who identifies as a stone butch or top really find themselves to be untouchable? You’d have to ask them. Get around enough, and you’ll realize that, much like an unruly housecat, we’re often shoving ourselves into boxes where we don’t necessarily fit.

Labels are an imperfect way of expressing our desires, not a standard we must hold ourselves to. A top can bottom with the right partner. A masc person can present femme in the right situation. So, it makes sense that a stone can crave touch in varying degrees depending on their comfort level.

There’s actually a fun term for that as well: “melting.” Does stone melt? Only if you get it molten-lava hot (and respect pre-agreed boundaries). 

Bad to be stone?

It’s easy to learn about a term like this and assume that there’s something inherently negative or that the stone or “touch-me-not” individual needs fixing. But that’s a bold assumption. Sexuality is, frankly, pretty darn confusing. And there’s often no definitive reason why any of us prefer the sex we do.

Maybe a stone or touch-repulsed person experiences dysphoria or was abused in the past. Maybe not. But saying that’s the only reason is exceptionally short-sighted and unproductive to the greater conversation about human sexuality.

In short, no. It’s not wrong to be a stone butch or stone top. And many partners will like, love, and lap you all up for it, darling.

Are you in the stone bone zone?

Guess what, LGBTQ-ties? It’s okay to be stone. It’s also okay to melt, be masc, be femme, top, bottom, or express your queerness however you deem fit. These qualifiers are important to some, helping them relate to each other and themselves.

But one of the most beautiful things about our community is our ability to adapt and understand our gay, lesbian, and queer friends and family. And now that you’re more familiar with the term stone, maybe you feel validated or seen.

Or maybe you’ve discovered a whole new demographic of people to help get your rocks off. Because who better than someone stone to do it for you?

Find the stone top or pillow prince(ss) of your dream on Grindr! Download the Grindr app now and get started.