Whorescopes: Pisces Szn

There’s no time like now to rebrand. You’re not the stereotype of your zodiac sign you were five minutes ago.

Love: Life is too short to not do something reckless. Invite the three people you like to an orgy and eliminate them based on how well they perform under pressure.

Lust: It’s always “top of the mornin to ya.” But where is your top of the afternoon, evening and night?

Friendships: Choose chaos this month. Listen, if your friends don’t want to come to all 6 of your birthday events, fine. That’s just more room for their exes.

Work: Who cares about what the haters, your friends, your coworkers, and every piece of media we’ve ever seen has to say about it.  Sleeping with your boss will work out, you’re built different.

Love: You’ve been a bit aggravated lately, but stop taking it out on the ones you’re trying to date. Otherwise your Google calendar will have more holes in it than a Euphoria storyline.

Lust: Your sex drive is higher than the price of gas right now. Luckily for you, there are plenty of men looking to fill up your tank.

Friendships: You’ve left issues unresolved for longer than a season of Drag Race. Speak up now or your friends will sashay away for good.

Work: Your inbox is full, but your social calendar is not. You need to find that work life balance—get a hobby that will tip the scales in your favor.

Love: You date men like new Batman movies—each one trying to be grittier than the last. Maybe try something new because if one more person ghosts you after three dates, you’re gonna become the Joker.

Lust: You can fix your car. You can fix your attitude. If you’re Pete Buttigieg, you can try to fix bread prices, but you CANNOT fix HIM.

Friendship: You’ve been looking to build up your squad, but remember that expanding your hole is not exactly the same as expanding your social circle. Well, not always!

Work: Jobs are like tops: you don’t really NEED one, but they’re nice to have when you don’t wanna go hungry.

Love: The idea of a man is almost always more exciting than the reality. If you’re feeling lonely, try dating one of your other personalities.

Lust: There’s no honor amongst thieves and these men are robbing you of your joy! Stop getting so involved and start getting even!

Friendships: “You’ve got a friend in me,” he says. What you don’t know is that your closest friend was inside him last night.

Work: You can’t be forced to go back into the office if there’s no office to go back into. Think about it…

Love: Falling in love for you is a full-time job: you do it five times a week, barely get any benefits, and it never pays as well as it should. Take some time OFF.  

Lust: The State of your Union is that you’re wide open. You know everything about importing and exporting. You’re a trade professional.

Friendships: Nothing ever comes between you and your friends. Well, except him. And him. OH, and him. Noticing a pattern?

Work: If Joe Biden wants you to stop working from home, he’s gonna have to stop doing it first!!!

Love: The sun is staying out later and you think now is the time to stay in more? Sun’s out, buns out, babes. Nothing gets a man’s attention more than a big butt and a smile.

Lust: You’ve rescheduled on men so much this month. You are not the Chromatica Ball. Set a date and stick with it.

Friendships: Toni Collette has a new show on Netflix that you could be throwing viewing parties for, but you’re checking to see if a boy who doesn’t even have your number is watching your Instagram stories. PRIORITIES, PLEASE.

Work: Unlike men, your work projects don’t get easier if you put them to the last minute. Get it out of the way or you’ll be spending your happy hours with Miss Microsoft Office.

Love: Never has someone with such sharp wit had such a dull love life. Turn the knife away from the men pursuing you and towards the real enemy: those keeping us from a full Normani album.

Lust: Not everything needs to be the length of a Batman film, sometimes it’s okay to get in, get off, and get out!

Friendships: Men may c*m pretty quickly, but few other things in life do. This includes friendships. Put in the work or put it out of its misery. It’s holding you both back.

Work: Sometimes you gotta miss a function to make it to the next. Don’t feel bad for prioritizing money. You can’t survive on favors and drink tickets from drag queens

forever! You’re not a Scorpio.

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Love: Listen, if there’s one thing gays are gonna do is have a mailing list for new nudes. You ain’t the only one who received it, but remember that’s not your business!

Lust: Anyone who says “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush” has probably never had one covering their mouth and another slapping their ass. Risk it all!!!

Friendship: If your friendship isn’t like Willow Pill and Kornbread’s in the workroom, is it even a friendship?

Work: Every single time you check an email after you’re supposed to be done working, a top flakes on a bottom who already douched. You don’t want that on your conscience, do you?

Love:  Men are liars. Take everything he says to you with a grain of salt and a huff of poppers. You can’t be disappointed if you never have expectations!

Lust: Honestly, you’ve been flaked on so much recently you need to start a policy of not douching ‘til he’s AT your house. He can listen to a podcast in the living room while you get ready.

Friendships: There’s no stronger bond than the one between you and the other gay who knows you’re fucking someone you’re definitely NOT supposed to be. Don’t get caught, Cassie!

Work: Three iced coffees and 4 hours scrolling through Twitter later, you’re ready to send your first work email for the day. Congratulations!

Love: Just because you like to be put on a leash, called a b*tch, caged, and occasionally enjoy the pound, does not mean he can treat you like a dog! Unless you’re into that?

Lust: They say “she’s a wh*re, she’s f*cked half of New York!” about you like it’s a bad thing. They don’t know you turned down the other half!

Friendships: The group chat is not the space to air out your grievances! You’ve never needed an audience to voice a complaint, Don’t Start Now, Dula Peep! There’ll be no future in the friend group for you to be nostalgic about.

Work: At this point, we’re all just doing our best. And even though your best might not be good enough, your ass is. The best way to keep your work load down is to take a few others from a superior.

Love:  A good man is like the perfect martini: strong, straight up, and dirty. If he doesn’t have those qualities, it’s time you start finding a new cock…tail.

Lust: COVID restrictions are lifting and so are your inhibitions. Three’s company, four’s a crowd, 5-8 is a K-Pop group, but also the best time of your life.

Friendships: There are people who will say there are bigger things to worry about than what you’re wearing to your Oscars’ viewing party. Those people are liars who don’t understand the importance of watching rich people who don’t know your name be honored for things you never even saw.

Work: I know you’re working from home, but you can still call in and say you can’t make it because gas prices are too high. It might work!

Love: Men are good for two things. None of those things have been discovered yet, but don’t stop trying to figure it out. Let us know when you do. Scientific research is about sharing your findings with the community.

Lust: This little piggy went to the market. This little piggy stayed home. This little piggy takes PrEP. This little piggy loves c*m.

Friendships: Salt is for shots of tequila and popcorn, not for your friends who are trying to give you solid advice.

Work: Work is all about tracking metrics and doing well. You’re about seven passive aggressive email replies from beating your high score! Congrats!!