It's Almost Valentine's Day and I Need to Make Out With Someone ASAP!

It's almost Valentine's Day and I need to make out with someone ASAP. Uncharacteristically, that might be all I need this Valentine’s Day. This isn’t me giving up on love—I’m just hitting pause.

This isn’t typical for me. Casual isn’t my brand. My exes (fine, ex-situationships) would attest when I like someone, I like them hard, and I don’t have any problem making that clear. Passion isn’t the problem but it does crank up the pressure. This year, though, I’m thinking there might be another way.

‘Can We Just Be?’

I used to think love had to come with a label—something clear-cut, something certain. But certainty, I’ve learned, is a luxury not always on offer.

Take Caden (not his real name, I’m not that crazy). We’d been seeing each other for a bit, kissing in his kitchen, at coffee shops, even at a bowling alley—like a montage from the kind of rom-com that promises a happy ending. But when I tried to define what we were, that’s when things stalled.

“So… are we just… not going to text until the next time we see each other?”

Caden and I stood uncomfortably by the front door of his apartment. I was on my way out, which was going exactly as it was supposed to, until I slowed, stopped and gave him a helpless look that said, “We need to talk.”

He hid the disappointment on his face poorly. I couldn’t blame him, not really. I had, after all, assured him a month prior that I could handle the “gray area.” I had been wrong, obviously, and we both knew it.

“Can we just… be?” he replied.

His response could scarcely have been more predictable, but it stung all the same.

It seemed incompatible to me then that Caden could tell me I look beautiful between kisses against his kitchen counter and pinned on his couch, at the bowling alley and at the coffee shop and, through it all, still feel no need to name our relationship or imagine a future with me. That we could just be.

In the end, a month or so later, when it had become impossible to ignore the hopeless sense we had run out of ways to slice the situationship pie, that no amount of communication was going to make things work, Caden still swore he cared for me. He had said this before, but that final time, he had nothing to prove, and so I believed a man with no reason to lie.

Taking Romance Less Seriously

It’s February 10th as I write this, and barring a whirlwind meet-cute rom-com in the next 96 hours, I will be single on Valentine’s Day.

And I really don’t mind.

Platonic love is almost as revered as romantic love on Valentine’s Day, with the famed Galentine’s Day, but I’m ready to look even further past tradition. Hookups, one-off dates, even a flirty chat that goes nowhere—they’re all spaces to show up (Thanks for that, Caden). It’s like the not-so-famous words of Maisie Peters in her song, “There It Goes,” “I’m dating, but I’m dating for sport / I’m getting coffees for free.”

Choosing to view romantic love as black and white, have or have not, makes it harder to notice the moments in which love shows up in unconventional and surprising ways.

Casual, Not Clueless

Being casual doesn’t mean you don’t communicate. You can maximize the success of any relationship, no matter how temporary, by communicating your expectations, needs and asserting boundaries.

Grindr is a good place for that, frankly. It offers the tools to be even more direct than traditional dating apps (that define dating intentions in nebulous terms like “Short term, open to long”) — maybe this Valentine’s Day, you can set your intention for friends and dates, or even just let it be a chat that exists on the app (rant sesh about the state of the world, anyone?).

I’m still a lover boy. I still want commitment, but I know it doesn’t have to be right now, with the next guy who walks through the door. I've got a few days before Valentine’s Day, and a good kiss will do just fine. Maybe a nice conversation that leads into the kiss, too. Yeah.

So, take a look at your February 14th  — You aren’t setting a lower bar, just a different one. Can you set your own terms for success? There are many different kinds of love to celebrate on the day of love ;)