Whorescopes: Aries Szn

It’s Aries szn. The season of the ram needs a gentler touch.

Love: Dating is hard now. It’s not like “Bridgerton,” we don’t just marry someone hot after 4 conversations and a cursory glance at their bank statements. Don’t let the fact that you’re not in “The Gilded Age” turn you into The Jaded Bottom.

Lust: Easter is coming, a holiday that brings millions of people to their knees. You’ll be on yours too, but it won’t be to pray.

Friendships: What did we save the daylight and lose an hour of sleep for if not pitchers of margaritas on a patio! Grab your gays and get those rims salted.

Work: Summer is coming soon. Be gay. Do Crimes. Douche on company time. Coordinate your next vacation during a Zoom meeting. Insider trading. Who cares?

Love: There are nearly 4 billion men on this planet. Statistically, one of them has to want to text you back, right? RIGHT?!

Lust: You say violence is not the answer, but your kinky ass definitely wants to be slapped (and maybe choked a bit) while people watch in amazement. Consent is the key here.

Friendship: Group trips don’t always have to be out of town. Your local gay bar bathroom stall is right there. The best of tea is spilled in the powder room!

Work: Top that twink in human resources. Hole is a resource too, ya know!

Love: Next time a man wants to know what your love language is, tell him you’re multilingual. You’re fluent in receiving gifts, quality time, AND words of affirmation!

Lust: Deep inside all of us there are multiple dreams, wishes, and aspirations. Deep inside you,  there will be multiple members of the local Equinox.

Friendships: Listen up, Korra. You may be powerful, but you can’t bend your friends to your will forever. Start playing nice or you’ll be at an Avatar party of one.

Work: You’re feeling tempted to take on some new gigs and…you should. Your Ubers of shame aren’t gonna pay for themselves.

Love: If you make it to the end of this sentence without thinking about him, you win. But you didn’t, so better get as comfortable with taking L’s as you are with taking inches.

Lust: They say romance is dead, but it’s not! You just have to pay attention to the smaller, kinder gestures. Keep track of the ones who kiss your ass goodnight after they're done using it.

Friendships: Bottling is for tequila and lube, not for your emotions. Crying in private is not a permanent solution—tell them how they’re hurting you.

Work: Cause a little drama this month just to spice things up. CC your boss in an email about one of your coworkers getting married with the subject line: “UNIONIZING.”

Love: You’ve had more love interests at once than the entire cast of “Desperate Housewives.” Focus on one, Edie, lest the rest of the cast will have you killed off mid-season for stealing their men and making their lives so difficult.

Lust: It’s time to turn up the heat in the bedroom. Try some new things. Do something so hot and dirty, you wouldn’t even write about it in your diary.

Friendships: You love to be the ingenue of every situation, but keep being a diva and you’ll be the only one taking bows when the curtain closes. Sure, it’s fun being bent over, but certainly not alone!

Work: If the IRS tries to come for your money this year, tell them you’re not paying taxes because that’s *not* Met Gala Behavior.

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Love: You’re calling him “daddy” when he doesn’t even call you back.

Lust: The weather is nice and you should treat yourself to a nice cruise. No, I’m not talking Royal Caribbean—your local park will do. You won’t be out to sea, but you can still get wet!  

Friendships: You don’t listen to your girls complain about the same guys for hours not to be able to cash in some favors when you need them. That’s right, it’s someone else’s turn to host the pregame!

Work: No one likes completing a task quite like you, but it can’t be all work and no play. For every item you’re checking off your boss’s list, add a little something you wanna try for daddy.

Love: At this point you’d rather trade nudes with Ron Desantis than sit through another boring dinner date. I get it. Spice up your first date suggestions. Activities are fun. We mean bowling or laser tag, not bathhouses!

Lust: You’re branching out into topping this month. You can do it. Kiss your cock ring three times and say the magic words: There’s no place like hole.

Friendship: Your friends made you sit through a three-hour GRAMMYs for Lil Nas X to not even win a single award. You have sole aux cord in the Uber privileges for every weekend til Memorial Day. TAKE NO REQUESTS.

Work: Sure you can put quitting your job on your summer bucket list, but how will you pay for any of the other things on it, sweetie?

Love: You are responsible for your own salvation, babe. What makes you think this man will save you from a burning building when he won’t even save your number in his phone?

Lust: Your hole is like a garden, it needs lots of well-planted seeds to thrive. Luckily, this season you’re meeting a lot of men with green thumbs. Don’t be afraid of the finger too though!!

Friendships: You do not have to tell every acquaintance you see at the bar “let’s get coffee soon.” You don’t even like coffee and you *really* don’t like them. Why lie twice? God is counting!

Work: Capitalism is a scam. Drink all the company La Croix you want. Hell, take some Cliff bars home for your friends and roommates!

Love: I know being single may be making you lonely but, no matter what, please remember: You is kind. You is smart. You is not lonely enough to be posting statuses on Facebook.

Lust: Stop lying in bed and telling men they own your hole. They may be shareholders, but you know damn well they are not sole proprietors!

Friendships: Mercury may not be in retrograde, but sometimes it feels like your mental health is. Don’t be afraid to ask your friends for help. You don’t listen to their lies for nothing.

Work: Your Pride travel calendar can’t give “Carmen Sandiego” when your bank account is overdrawn and underpaid. Ask for that raise now or the only Pride rainbows you’ll be seeing is on someone else’s IG story.

Love:  Ignorance is bliss and knowing things is the direct cause of unhappiness. For true peace, live your life with an empty head and open legs.

Lust: Just because you like rawhide doesn't mean your hole needs to look like leather. Give it a spa day. The return on investment will be well worth it!

Friendships: We get it…if friendships were grade school, you’d be valedictorian! But how about passing some of that knowledge along for once? Tutor others on how to be a better friend to you instead of letting them all flunk out! No one likes a mean nerd!

Work: Office morale is at an all time high. You know what that means? It’s time to start a vicious rumor!!!

Love: Your friends are settling down, but it’s time for you to settle some scores. Call up that ex who hurt you, text that man who ghosted you. Get closure or get even! The choice is yours.

Lust: They say you’re only as good as your last performance. If that’s the case, you’d win an Oscar for pretending he’s laying it down better than he actually is. Stop faking it! He’ll never get better if you reinforce poor performance!

Friendships: We’ve experienced a global pandemic, economic collapse, natural disasters, and…you want to stay in on a Friday night? When you might run into your crush? Listen to the group chat…GO. The world is burning!

Work: You are running things and thriving in all aspects of the workplace. It’s enough to make you wanna change your tax status to Head Of Household. Careful—with great power bottoms come great responsibilities…

Love: There’s a thin line between love and hate but a continent between you and all your Instagram crushes. Expiring photos can’t satisfy you forever. Start shopping local!

Lust: This month, your hole will be struck down by more middle-aged men than proposed legislation that helps the working class.

Friendships: There’s nothing that can't be solved over mani-pedis and a movie night with your girl. Don’t you think that one argument over Jorgeous’ elimination has gone a little too far?

Work: There’s a way out of any after-work social situation you don’t want to be in! Just get creative. Make up a dog you don’t own. Tell them your grandma has syphilis. The more unbelievable it is, the less likely they are to investigate.