The Meaning of Compersion? The Opposite of Jealousy

Jealousy is a disease — get well soon!

OK, not exactly. Jealousy is a natural human emotion anyone can experience, regardless of their relationship. And it doesn’t feel great. But imagine a world where you feel a rush of joy instead of seeing green when your partner catches feelings for someone else.

Not only is this possible — it’s common enough to have its own word: compersion. Many people in polyamorous relationships experience compersion(just another advantage to having a fleet of boyfriends).

In fact, people in all types of relationships can find their jealousy swapped out for compersion, meaning they’re happy for their partner’s happiness. It’s time to try denying insecurity and embracing compersion instead.

What is compersion?

Compersion is vicarious happiness — the warm, fuzzy feeling you get when someone else is happy, even if it doesn’t benefit you at all. It’s often described as the opposite of jealousy.

This definition is pretty broad, but you most often hear about compersion in the context of polyamory. Members of a polycule may feel compersion when they see their partner enjoying and investing in a relationship with someone else. It’s the same feeling you (hopefully) experience when your significant other gets a promotion at work or achieves a personal goal. You don’t gain anything, but their happiness is your happiness.

Compersion flips the script on jealousy. Modern rom-coms would have us believe jealousy and possessiveness are virtues that prove the intensity of your love. But is that really healthy? Can you be the only person in the world who makes your partner feel good? That’s a lot of pressure, and it sounds like a recipe for feelings of inadequacy.

Compersion is the antidote — the way to love someone completely. Even if you’re super into monogamy, the goal of a relationship should never be attachment; it should be connection.

Compersion in a monogamous relationship

Can you experience compersion in a monogamous relationship? Maybe you won’t find yourself rustling pom-poms and doing cartwheels while your partner goes down on their new fling, but compersion and monogamy are more compatible than you think!

Obviously, you should share in your partner’s triumphs with genuine enthusiasm. But real monogamy-heads know that even a more amorous definition of compersion isn’t out of the question.

Exclusivity doesn’t mean you and your partner won’t ever feel attraction for someone else; that’s just unrealistic. Instead of worrying about their wandering eyes, practicing compersion can help you celebrate it (so long as it ends with the eyes, of course). Discuss your fantasies and desires openly and see what feelings emerge.

If you consider yourself a jealous person, start small. (BTW, we recommend breaking up with that mindset; jealousy is something you feel, not something you are.) Ask each other what celebrities you’d want to have sex with. Tell your partner you want the guy from the Allstate commercial to rupture your root chakra.

OK, that’s not exactly “starting small,” but you’d be surprised how much joy and connection you can share in a monogamous relationship when you talk openly about your crushes and daydreams.

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Compersion in a polyamorous relationship

Compersion is more frequently associated with polyamory, but it isn’t necessarily a prerequisite. Even seasoned nonmonogamy experts feel jealousy about their partner’s partners from time to time. Compersion certainly makes things easier, though. There’s no better way to kick the green-eyed monster to the curb than by celebrating when someone else makes your partner happy.

Polyamory provides a unique perspective on love and affection. Polyamorous people believe that love isn’t a finite resource — nor is it a competition. It’s a journey everyone experiences in their own way, even if you aren’t always part of the equation.

In many ways, practicing compersion in polyamory works the same way it does in monogamous relationships. Both share the goal of viewing your partner’s happiness as something you can bask in rather than something you’re responsible for.

How to develop compersion

Between struggles with self-confidence and the stifling prison of societal norms, cultivating compersion can feel like finding a needle in a gaystack. Compersion doesn’t come naturally to everyone, but you can practice it! Here’s what you can do to help your little seeds of compersion blossom into unbridled joy!

Be empathetic

Put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Wouldn’t you want someone to be happy for you if you were feeling good? Empathy is always a fast track to a deeper connection, so check your ego at the door and know that someone else’s feelings are rarely about you.

Come to terms with jealousy

Hello, darkness, my old friend. Everyone wants to ignore or defeat jealousy, but what if we told you it’s better to simply embrace it? Jealousy is so not hot, but it’s a natural emotion. Instead of fighting it, get curious. It’ll help you process your jealous feelings and smooth the path to compersion. 

Take small steps

Try expressing compersion in small ways that feel comfortable to you. Your partner came home glowing after meeting with a new friend? Practice being happy for them — seriously.

It sounds absurd because you’re probably at least a little happy for them already, but that’s kind of the point. Compersion can be just as natural as jealousy, but many people hold back their generous spirits to protect themselves. Compersion proves it doesn’t need to be this way.

Practice gratitude

Don’t worry about what you lack; focus on what you have. Express gratitude for your partner and the love you’ve built together. This will help in the moments when you feel threatened, reminding you that your relationship is strong and uniquely yours.

Don’t forget to point some of that gratitude back at yourself, too. Working on compersion means you’re dedicated to a growth mindset, and that’s a sexy way to live.

Understand what emotion you’re experiencing

People often conflate jealousy with envy. But are you really afraid someone will take your partner, or do you just wish you got to have a similarly happy experience? Either is a valid answer.

This confusion is common in polyamorous relationships, where you might feel a pang of “jealousy” when your partner secures a date right after yours cancels. But correctly identifying your emotions is essential before you can process them.

What happens if I don’t feel compersion?

Don’t panic — you don’t always have to feel good for everyone. No relationship is entirely sunshine and blowjobs.

Compersion isn’t a requirement for a successful nonmonogamous relationship. In fact, many polyamorous people instead feel indifferent to or uninterested in their partner’s other connections. That’s perfectly OK — as long as your feelings aren’t hurting your relationship and/or causing you to tear your hair out, that’s honestly enough.

It’s also unfair to assume jealousy won’t dare rear its ugly head tomorrow just because you felt compersion today. It can, and it might. Feeling happy for your partner at the moment doesn’t guarantee jealousy is forever banished from your relationship.

Instead of worrying about the inevitable jealous feelings, be grateful for the good times. And if jealousy is prevalent enough to become an honorary metamour in your relationship, talk with your partner about how you can fix the dynamic together.

Share the love

It’s time to break free from the shackles of jealousy — your relationship will thank you. Many insist that love means not sharing your partner with anyone else, but when have you ever let societal norms stop you? Feeling happy for your significant other is a good thing — embrace it!

Compersion carves a new path, a yellow brick road where you and your partner can link arms and skip through life with mutual joy and care. So what if their other arm is linked with someone else? Cherish your “Off To See the Wizard” moment; we’re all friends of Dorothy, after all.

On Grindr, you’ll find some lions and tigers and bears (oh my!) to join you on your journey. Download the Grindr app today and throw some water on that green witch called jealousy.