What Is a Metamour? Learn to Love Your Lover’s Lover

Loads of people are interested in polyamory these days, whether they came by it honestly or saw Challengers and thought, “That seems fun…”

If you’re poly-curious yourself, you might have heard the term “metamour.” Metamour connections are extremely common in polyamorous relationships, where people date more than one person. So, what actually is a metamour? Do you have to get along with this person? Have sex with them? Take a family portrait in matching harnesses and pup hoods?

The answer? Maybe! Let’s talk about metamour poly dynamics and the kinds of connections each person in a poly relationship can have.

What is a metamour?

A metamour is your partner’s partner. If you’re in a polyamorous relationship and your partner is dating someone else, that person is your metamour. The term also implies you aren’t romantically involved with this person, unlike in a triad or polycule.

Many polyamorous people enjoy connecting with someone who cares about their partner the same way they do, even if they don’t share a romantic bond. Metamour meetups can squash challenging emotions, provide peace of mind, and even introduce you to a new friend.

The most important part of a metamour relationship is at least acknowledging they exist. Ignoring metamours doesn’t make them go away, and it certainly doesn’t win you any brownie points with your partner. Still, it’s completely OK to be indifferent about metamours. It all comes down to personal preference and comfort levels.

Difference between metamours and telemours

Get ready to play a game of relationship telephone.

So, if “metamour” refers to your partner’s partner, what about your partner’s partner’s partner? This is a telemour — a person your metamour is dating that neither you nor your partner are romantically involved with. You can also think of a telemour as your partner’s metamour.

Did you catch all that?

A telemour is part of your relationship’s “extended family,” like a second cousin who only knows that you’re obsessed with the Spice Girls (you are). A telemour may not be in your immediate circle unless you keep a tight-knit poly family tree. Maybe you’re starting a commune or something?

Understanding metamour’s meaning in poly dynamics

Metamour poly dynamics can give you more whiplash than the latest entry in the Bennifer saga. Sure, it’s exciting, but it can also be confusing and frustrating. Once you know more about the different poly metamour relationships, you’ll be the Page Six of hard-hitting nonmonogamy scoops.

Friendly metamours

This is the most common type of metamour relationship. This is a person you’d wave to and chat with if you saw them out. Maybe the two of you are really close and hang out separately from your partner. You feel mutually supported during the good and challenging times in your relationships, and you might even bond over your connection with your partner.

Distant metamours

You’re more likely to flash them a quick smile of acknowledgment rather than give them a big bear hug at the bar. You may not interact much, but you see them, they see you, and everything is kosher. You’re not best friends, but you still appreciate what they do for your partner.

Complicated metamours

A complicated metamour relationship can create some tension. This dynamic is tricky to maneuver, much like an awkward situationship or watching Babygirl with your family on Christmas because your mom heard Nicole Kidman is in it. Complicated feelings are natural in poly relationships, but you need open communication and clear boundaries with this type of metamour, or you risk turning your happy home into a soap opera set.

Nonexistent metamours

This is when you go full Keke Palmer and say, “Sorry to this man.” You don’t interact with or acknowledge your partner’s partner at all. This dynamic may arise for various reasons — many of them completely valid. But even if you aren’t directly involved with your metamour, you should respect their role in your partner’s life.

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Is it necessary to meet your metamours?

Necessary? Not really. Compersion isn’t for everybody, and not everyone will get something out of meeting their partner’s partner. It comes down to how comfortable you are with the idea. You shouldn’t feel like you have to meet your metamour; you should want to.

So, what if you want to want to meet them, but your feelings are getting in the way? It’s perfectly OK to take a step back, assess your feelings, and decide that meeting your metamour isn’t for you. After all, no one can prioritize your comfort if you don’t do it first. 

The ups and downs of meeting your metamour

Caught up in your feels? Unsure whether you should meet your metamour? Here are the benefits and drawbacks of a metamour meetup:

Pros

• Build your support system: It shouldn’t surprise you to learn your metamour has similar feelings. Talking with them can help you both feel more supported.
• Better communication: If you and your partner feel disconnected because of dynamics regarding your metamour, a meeting could help you crazy kids figure it all out. More conversation, less frustration.
• Less jealousy: Jealousy is normal, but it can hinder connections. Meeting your metamour puts a face to the name you’re cursing each night. Jealousy melts away when you realize they’re just a person — not a relationship grenade your partner launched to ruin your life.

Cons

• Awkward alert: You might have a delightful time and completely queen out when you meet your metamour. Or the event could be entirely awkward silences and throat clearing. There’s really no way to know for sure.
• Dynamics may become even more complicated: If things already feel messy and murky in your relationship, meeting a metamour could increase the tension.
• A drain on time and energy: Navigating multiple relationships is what polyamory is all about. But we won’t pretend it isn’t time-consuming and emotionally draining.

Tips for your first meeting with your metamour

Much like cats, it’s best to meet your metamour by first getting used to their smell. Try staying in adjacent rooms and meowing at each other from under the door. Eventually, you can work your way up to a baby gate barrier.

OK, scratch that — too weird. Unless you’ve got a really serious pet play fetish, there are probably better ways to get to know your metamour. Here are some more practical tips:

• Choose a neutral location: Try to avoid giving anyone a home field advantage. Pick a place where you’ll feel comfortable and free from distractions, like a park or coffee shop. Avoid a loud bar or anywhere you feel like you can’t walk away.
• Set clear intentions: Talk with your partner about what you hope to gain from the meeting. Understanding your motivations can set a positive tone and ease the stress.
• Keep it light: Don’t forget to don your humor hat and good-natured galoshes before leaving the house. You don’t have to do a tight five, but remember that this isn’t a wake — it’s coffee.
• Avoid intense topics: You and your metamour could probably discuss many heavy topics. Save some room for later, love. There will be time to talk shop; focus on getting to know each other first.

How to be a supportive metamour

Being a supportive metamour is simpler than you think, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. You must be willing to share your thoughts and feelings while accepting your metamour’s perspective. It’s a two-way street, but the ride is much less bumpy once you’ve paved it.

You should also respect your metamour’s boundaries. You might be stoked to meet someone who brings your partner so much joy, but that doesn’t mean they feel the same. That’s OK! A metamour doesn’t technically owe you anything, so be grateful for whatever you get.

The meta side of poly love

Nonmonogamy is a beautiful practice when done ethically and respectfully. It can open your heart and mind to connections you never thought possible. Meeting your metamours provides a unique opportunity to face your fears head-on, get to know like-minded people who share your interests, and grow into the secure, loving people you always knew you could be.

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