Solo Polyamory: One Heart, Many Loves, No Drama

Having multiple sex partners seems to be par for the course these days, and open, nonmonogamous relationships are increasingly a norm. Abundant options are great and all — until juggling them leaves you with a tragic shortage of “me time.”

That is, unless you practice solo polyamory. Like traditional polyamory, it involves maintaining multiple romantic connections — but with a unique focus on personal independence. Hence, the “solo” part, which means you retain a single-like lifestyle while basking in the joys of multiple relationships.

Let’s take a look at how the solo poly life puts the “my” in nonmonogamy:

Solo polyamory meaning

A solo polyamorous person engages in multiple simultaneous relationships while prioritizing their independence. They will probably avoid enmeshing their life with their partners’ through leases, shared bank accounts, or kids.

Solo poly connections may be sexual or romantic, all with varying degrees of commitment, but none of them supersede a solo poly person’s relationship with themself. In polyamory terms, they are their own primary — the partner whose needs supersede all others.

Like some other forms of nonmonogamy, solo polyamory rejects the “relationship escalator.” This is the seemingly inevitable progression traditional romantic relationships take: settling down, getting married, getting a dog, realizing you can’t have kids because you can barely take care of a dog, having kids anyway — you get the idea. In solo polyamorous relationships, there’s no prescribed path or “right” way — provided everyone involved is acting ethically and meeting their needs.

No matter how it looks, solo polyamory gives you space to create connections without sacrificing the most important relationship in your life: the one with yourself. That said, it’s a significant departure from monogamy or even other types of polyamory and open relationships. Sometimes, the flexibility of solo poly can confuse the people you’re dating (or even yourself), so it’s still a relationship style that requires immense emotional intelligence to pull off.

Alternative terms for solo poly

Solo poly is the most popular name for this type of relationship, but you might hear a few alternatives in the wild. Although they’re incredibly similar, people might be choosing their words carefully because their situation doesn’t fit perfectly within the confines of “solo poly.”

Some folks call it “independent polyamory,” which is likely the exact same thing as solo poly. “Nonhierarchical polyamory” is another option, although this relationship style only tells you they don’t like ranking their relationships. Solo polyamory can involve a hierarchy of partners (although we don’t recommend posting public leaderboards).

Why is there so much variance within these poly terms? English is just a messy bitch like that. Every relationship is different. These terms exist to give context to our romantic experiences, but they don’t necessarily define them.

That said, let’s explore some seemingly similar terms that carry critical distinctions.

Solo polyamory vs. polyamory

Traditional polyamory doesn’t necessarily require participants to prioritize themselves. Polycules often build intimately intertwined lives that progress to a marriage-level commitment. Some may say they’re still stuck on the relationship escalator, riding it from the Piercing Pagoda of casual dating to the food court of eternal commitment. But if a group of people decide to nest together and attend each other’s family Christmases on a 10-year rotation, more power to them.

Solo poly individuals prefer to engage in relationships without the weighty expectations of progression. They can enjoy romantic connections without feeling pressured to pursue a primary partnership to its “natural” end (i.e., marriage and a shared domestic life). It’s all about enjoying the ride, not rushing to some arbitrary finish line.

Solo poly vs. single poly

Solo poly and single poly sound similar but mean drastically different things. Solo poly individuals may prefer the free-spirited approach to relationships, building profound connections without sacrificing autonomy. Despite their unconventional execution, solo poly relationships are very real.

Single poly just means you’re into polyamory but aren’t currently in a relationship. One’s single poly status has no bearing on what their relationships will look like once they find them. They could be dead set on finding a primary or settling down with a lease and a shared cat.

Solo polyamory vs. relationship anarchy

Solo polyamory and relationship anarchy also seem pretty similar but have different core philosophies. Solo polyamory technically still plays by some kind of book, even if the solo poly person is the one writing it. Solo poly people may still have hierarchical relationships, but they don’t think these connections must lead to a relationship endgame.

A relationship anarchist rejects labels and the hierarchies and expectations that come with them. All relationships are valid — romantic, platonic, that one with your imaginary friend that got oddly sexual that one time when the two of you got drunk together — and the lines between them are mostly made up.

Commitment is still valued in relationship anarchy, but it doesn’t need to look like a traditional relationship. Who says friends can’t live together and bang sometimes? Who says you need to be married to have kids? Love is intensely personal; relationship anarchy says you don’t need anyone else’s approval.

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How does a solo polyamorous relationship work?

Solo poly dating requires open communication about boundaries, desires, and expectations. Granted, any good relationship should involve this, regardless of its structure. However, solo poly partners know just how valuable these conversations are in the context of an ethical non-monogamy relationship.

Solo polyamory thrives when the relationships have the flexibility to be casual or serious, depending on the connection and mutual desires. It’s a dynamic that allows for self-exploration and growth. So, if you value your independence, you might find it scratches your itch for autonomy.

Misconceptions around solo polyamory

Despite its growing popularity, solo polyamory is often misunderstood. One common myth is that solo poly individuals are commitment-phobic or incapable of engaging in emotionally intimate relationships. In reality, solo poly is all about forming meaningful connections, just not the ones prescribed by traditional monogamy (or even other types of nonmonogamy).

Another misconception is that solo polyamory is just a phase or an excuse to avoid serious relationships. On the contrary, people who identify as solo poly are typically in it for the long haul. They view this lifestyle as a valid and fulfilling choice that aligns with their carefully considered values and desires.

Signs you might identify as solo poly

Are you solo poly-pilled? Here are some signs you might enjoy multiple intimate or romantic relationships that sidestep the “ball and chain” dynamic:

You embrace fluid relationship dynamics

You love the idea that relationships evolve and change over time. You’re OK with people growing with and without you, and you don’t think rigid structures benefit your personal growth, either.

Individual identity is your priority

You don’t compromise your sense of self for anything — good for you! If you prioritize yourself and don’t want to pour from an empty athletic cup, you might just fall in love with solo poly.

You enjoy various relationship dynamics

You like casual and serious relationships, finding both worthwhile in their own ways. You’re happy to adapt to what makes sense for you and your partners as long as you’re all happy.

You value open communication

Communication is a vital prerequisite for healthy polyamorous relationships, so make it a personal virtue. That’s the only way to successfully solo poly.

Tips on solo poly relationships

Before you wade into the solo poly waters, take these tips to heart:

• Communicate: Yes, we just said this, but we can’t stress it enough. Talk. A lot. Over-communicate. If you feel like it’s too much, you’re almost doing it enough.
• Set clear boundaries: Establish and respect personal boundaries. Encourage your partners to do the same. This helps reduce the chance for drama, something most solo poly people avoid as much as they do the altar.
• Reflect: Check in on yourself. Do your relationships align with your personal values? Hopefully, the answer is yes. If it isn’t, do some self-reflection and refer to the first tip.

Are you ridin’ solo?

Everyone expresses love differently. To quote the incomparable Jenna Maroney, “Sex, money, power, fire, choking, being dragged behind a speedboat. It’s all the same thing.” If love really is love like all those ally bumper stickers say, then maybe solo polyamory or a polyamorous relationship is the way forward. 

There’s certainly merit to monogamy and more entwined forms of nonmonogamy. But hopefully, discovering solo polyamory has taught you that autonomy can be romantic. It’s a lesson that would benefit most people in their relationships, whether they’re married swingers traveling the world or a closed throuple with a chicken farm.

Searching for sex, relationships, or something in between? You’ll find plenty of potential suitors to explore your newborn solo poly identity on Grindr. Download the Grindr app today to get started.