Kitchen Table Poly: Understanding Different Poly Relationships

Love: It’s in the air, it will conquer all, and it’s what everyone is looking for. But what if we told you for some people, Cupid wasn’t holding just one arrow but a whole darn quiver?

If your Cupid is more like a twinky little Robinhood, shooting off five arrows at once, polyamory might be for you. Polyamory (aka engaging in relationships with more than one person at a time) is more visible than ever — and not just because couples can’t afford groceries without a third. More and more people are realizing monogamy isn’t the only answer. 

Being poly can be highly fulfilling, provided all parties in the polycule have mutual respect for one another, communicate often, and keep everything involved with their partners above the table.

Which table? Well, that depends on the poly people involved, but kitchen table polyamory is emerging as one of the more orderly forms of non-monogamy. Let’s discuss kitchen table poly and why a polycule might consider setting their table for better romantic relationships.

What is kitchen table poly?

Kitchen table poly (KTP) is a polyamorous dynamic in which all partners are encouraged to interact, bond, and support each other. Think of it like getting shareable pasta plates at Olive Garden but with a lot more sex (100% more, in most cases). 

Not everyone within a polycule necessarily has a sexual or romantic relationship. Maybe Partner A is dating Partner B and Partner C, but B and C aren’t romantically interested in each other. The kitchen table poly dynamic posits that they can still be friends and integrated parts of each other’s lives. They can all still sit down for dinner at the same kitchen table, essentially. This philosophy focuses on creating a nurturing environment with ample space for individuals and their relationships.

Alternative types of poly relationships

Before delving further into the nuances of KTP, let’s explore other standard poly practices for comparison. 

Parallel polyamory

Parallel polyamory involves partners maintaining separate relationships that don’t interact with each other — kind of the opposite of kitchen table poly. Instead of everyone sitting at the table together, these relationships are at different tables, sometimes not even at the same restaurant. It’s an ideal setup for those who like autonomy and prefer to compartmentalize their romantic relationships.

Garden party polyamory

Garden party polyamory is a happy medium between KTP and parallel polyamory. In this poly practice, unconnected members of the polycule might interact occasionally (e.g., at parties and significant life events), but they aren’t fully integrated into each other’s lives. Their relationship remains platonic and casual.

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Could kitchen table poly work for you?

So, are you curious about nonmonogamy but unsure if you’re willing to set out another plate for your partner’s other romantic relationships? You’ll have to explore your feelings and decide for yourself.

First, how interested are you in any kind of poly dynamic? If you’ve had primarily monogamous relationships in the past, it’s hard to say which type of polyamory would work best for you. KTP can be challenging because you’re taking the polyamory from zero to 100, inviting new people and types of relationships into the fold right away. This can work and even be a fantastic support system for dealing with complicated feelings of loneliness or jealousy. But it can also be an abrupt shift away from monogamy that incites culture shock.

If you already practice polyamory, KTP is much more straightforward. Parallel polyamory is often seen as less “complicated” since the romantic relationships are separate. But the enforced secrecy might encourage insecurity. You also don’t get all the benefits of kitchen table poly, namely a community of support and friendship between partners.

Garden party polyamory, being the middle ground between the two, is an excellent way to dip a toe into KTP and see how it feels. Jealousy and other complicated emotions are expected in monogamous and non-monogamous relationships alike. Just because you feel jealous, frustrated, or even sad sometimes doesn’t always mean polyamory isn’t working for you. It’s just your body reminding you of your needs. Still, there’s a chance your poly structure isn’t helping.

The most significant indicator of whether or not you’ll be down with KTP is your comfort level with intimacy among partners. Those who frequently experience compersion — a fuzzy feeling you get when you see your partner with others — will probably like kitchen table poly quite a bit. But if you’re more of a lone wolf than a pack animal, you might find kitchen table polyamory overwhelming or uncomfortable.

How to build a kitchen table polyamory dynamic

Once you decide the kitchen table approach is for you, it’s time to serve a family dinner. Start with open and honest communication as the amuse-bouche. It’s often the secret ingredient that holds all relationships together, and that’s no different for poly individuals.

KTP polycules should still have discussions about expectations and boundaries. This dynamic doesn’t justify an emotional or romantic free-for-all. Everyone is still allowed to have thoughts, feelings, and boundaries that require adjustments to the dynamic. No two polycules will (or should) ever look alike for this reason.

If you want to foster a sense of community, try scheduling shared rituals or activities and invite every member of the polycule. The more time everyone spends together, the more connected you’ll feel (and hopefully, the less drama you’ll experience).

Pull up a chair!

Kitchen table poly is an excellent romantic relationship structure for polyamorous partnerships that value transparency and open communication. But it only works if everyone shows up ready to eat what’s put in front of them. Anyone who can’t stomach vulnerable communication between metamours will probably lose their appetite.

And there’s nothing wrong with that. The beauty of polyamory and love is that you have options. Nonmonogamy opens up an entirely new menu of possibilities for friendship, romantic relationships, and all kinds of partnerships.

Is it complicated? Sometimes. But most relationships are. Only you can judge whether the connection is worth the complexity. Sometimes, the only way to know is to pull up a chair.

Hungry for dessert? What’s one more invite to the poly potfuck? Find someone to fill up that final seat at the table on Grindr. Download the Grindr app today and get started!