Demiromantic: The Path from Emotional Bond to Romantic Attraction

Remember that moment in Mean Girls when Cady looks up from her math paper, sees Aaron Samuels with his tousled brown hair and piercing brown eyes, and immediately falls in love? That’s a textbook case of love at first sight. It’s inexplicable and all-consuming, and no one is safe from its reach. 

No one except for demiromantics. Yes, you read that right; a whole group of people out there are totally immune to infatuation. They’ll never know the unbearable pain and fleeting joy of locking eyes with someone and falling head over heels for them (and they’re very OK with that).

Is this a blessing? A curse? There’s only one way to know, so keep reading to learn everything there is to know about being demiromantic.

What is demiromantic?

Have you ever taken longer to decide what to watch while eating dinner than you did to cook your entire meal? That’s kind of what being demiromantic is like.

Demiromatic is a romantic orientation that falls under the aromantic spectrum. This label describes people who need a deep emotional connection with someone before they can experience romantic attraction toward them. It doesn’t mean they can’t or don’t experience romantic attraction; they just need a bit more investment before they do. 

Demiromantic vs. demisexual

Demiromantic and demisexual have about as much to do with each other as hooking up with someone and marrying them. If you really squint, you can maybe see the relation, but in reality, they’re very different things. 

Demisexual is a sexual orientation, whereas demiromantic is a romantic orientation. The former has to do with how and when someone feels sexual attraction, and the latter has to do with how and when they feel romantic attraction. 

Demiromantics may feel sexually attracted to people all the time, regardless of any romantic connection; that will never be the case with demisexuality. Conversely, demisexuals only want to have sex with people they have a strong bond with, but they may feel romantic attraction to people regardless of the depth of their relationship. 

Am I demiromantic?

Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a Buzzfeed-style quiz you could take that would help you sort out your whole life? Unfortunately, love and relationships aren’t so predictable. Try this good old-fashioned listicle instead. Here are some signs you might be demiromantic:

• Falling in love isn’t easy: Much of life revolves around finding and staying in love. Those who struggle with romance might think something is wrong with them, but that isn’t the case. If you find yourself falling in love less frequently than your friends, don’t stress; you might just be demiromantic. 
• You like long-term relationships: Long-term relationships aren’t for everyone. For others, they’re the only kind worth pursuing. If you consistently find yourself only interested in long-term relationships with no time or patience for short flings, well, you know the deal. 
• You’ve never experienced love at first sight: We’re using the word “love” here generously. Maybe it’s just strong feelings, a little stomach flip that makes your brain and heart wonder what it’d be like to spend the rest of your life with that person you just laid eyes on. If you can’t even fathom feeling that way, you might be demi. 
• You feel sexual attraction more often than romantic: Demiromantics can be just as into sex as anyone else but perhaps with fewer flowers and feelings. They have a higher bar for connection before they experience romantic attraction, but that doesn’t have any bearing on sexual attraction or desire.
• Your relationships move slowly: For some people, the talking stage can last for… a while. And that’s fine! Taking your time doesn’t mean you’re afraid of commitment. Maybe you’re just on the aromantic spectrum.

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Dating tips for demiromantics

Dating isn’t a one-size-fits-all kind of thing (no matter what Love Is Blind or The Circle try to tell you). Sure, we might not see slow-burn dating represented in media very often, but that doesn’t mean it’s unheard of. Dating while demi may look a little different than what people are used to, but everyone could learn a thing or two from taking it slow. Here are our demi dating tips:

• Communication is key: This is true for everyone but perhaps more so for a demiromantic. Let your partner know where you stand, how you feel, and where you see things going to ensure everyone is on the same page. 
• Be patient: It’s easy to get down on yourself when you feel like you aren’t moving at the same pace as everyone else. Be kind and gentle with yourself. There’s no minimum speed limit in a relationship.
• Establish healthy boundaries: Again, this is excellent advice for any relationship, but it’s essential for demiromantics. Setting guidelines around romantic and platonic relationships upfront will keep anyone from getting blindsided later on. 
• Dig deep: Demiromantic relationships thrive in the deep. You know, where Adele rolls. If you’re looking for love, find the meaty topics and sink your teeth right in.

Demiromantic community 

Just like the demisexual community falls under the asexual umbrella, the demiromantic community falls under the aromantic umbrella. Although demiromantics have historically been somewhat misunderstood, awareness is growing. Some on the aromantic spectrum wear a white ring on the middle finger of their left hand to signal to others that they’re part of the community.

The demiromantic flag

The demiromantic flag consists of two large, horizontal stripes in gray and white, divided in the middle by a thin green stripe. A black triangle occupies the left-hand side.

Each color has a unique significance. The black triangle represents the breadth of the sexuality spectrum. The gray stripe represents grayromanticism (i.e., any romantic orientation between aromanticism and standard attraction). The white stripe represents platonic and queerplatonic relationships. The smaller green stripe stands for demiromanticism and the aromantic spectrum it’s situated within. 

Common misconceptions

Despite popular misconceptions, demiromantic people can have long-lasting sexual and romantic relationships that bring them immense fulfillment. It just might take them longer to reach the “I love you” stage. 

And hey, that’s not a bad thing. Rushing into love has probably burned us all before. So, when demiromantics take their time, it’s important not to interpret their caution as coldness.

How to support demiromantic people

As with all identities, the most important way to support your demiromantic friends is by believing them when they tell you who they are. Nobody enjoys defending their feelings and experiences from skepticism. It is hard enough to come out; don’t make it harder by denying someone’s truth.

The next step is supporting demiromantics when they aren’t in the room. If you hear someone question demiromanticism, call it out right then and there.

Get familiar with Grindr

And if you’re demiromantic or just looking to connect with someone on a deeper level, you’ll find your folks on Grindr. Download the Grindr app, hop on the grid, and see who’s out there.