Do You Believe in Life After Love? Aromantic’s Meaning

The gay life cycle has always been relatively straightforward (gayforward?). It goes like this: Be born, choose a pop star to tie your entire personality to, decide if you’re a jock strap or boxers kind of person, pick a new pop star, decide if you’re a Fire Island or P-Town kind of person, fall in love, pick a new pop star. The end.

If it sounds exhausting, that’s because it is. And no part is more draining than that whole ”falling in love” thing. But what if we told you that there are people out there — gay people even — whose entire life goal isn’t to find someone and fall in love? What if we told you some people were content without romantic pursuits?

Buckle up, baby, because we’re about to go all in on aromantic — an identity for folks who find fulfillment in platonic pursuits and have little to no interest in romantic relationships. Yes, they exist. Here’s what you need to know.

What is aromantic?

In the same way sexual orientation ranges from Leslie Jordan (RIP) to Arnold Schwarzenegger, romantic inclination exists on a spectrum, too. On one end of the romance spectrum is alloromantic. Like allosexuals, who experience sexual attraction, alloromantics are people who experience romantic attraction.  

Aromantic exists on the other end of the spectrum. Aromantics, sometimes shortened to aro, don’t experience romantic attraction at all. This doesn’t mean aromantic people don’t have relationships; it just means their relationships aren’t romantic in nature, and they don’t desire romantic experiences. 

Note that aromantic is not necessarily a romantic orientation. An aromantic person could be into men, women, anyone in between, or those without any gender at all — so long as they don’t feel romantic attraction to said people. It gives a whole new meaning to “straight as an aro.”

Aromantic vs. asexual

People experience all sorts of desires. The desire for love. The desire for sex. The desire for Rihanna to release a new album. Some of these desires are stronger than others (see: Rihanna), but the two primary forms of desire are sexual and romantic.  

Many people conflate the two, but anyone who’s kissed a guy just to shut him up can tell you they’re distinct. Someone’s romantic desire doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with their sexual desire, and vice versa. This explains how a person can be aromantic or asexual without necessarily being both.  

Asexuals are people who experience little to no sexual desire or attraction. Aromantics feel the same way about romantic bonds. One is a sexual orientation, and the other is a romantic orientation. Both exist on a spectrum.

Combine the allosexual-asexual spectrum and the alloromantic-aromantic spectrum, and you get a matrix of attraction (very sci-fi!). A person’s position on either spectrum may change throughout their life. 

The aromantic flag

Like many identity flags, the aromantic flag has gone through several iterations. Throughout various iterations, it has included orange and yellow stripes, representing grayromantics and lithromantics, respectively. In its current iteration, the aromantic flag comprises five horizontal stripes: Green, light green, white, gray, and black from top to bottom. 

The green and light green stripes represent the entire aromantic spectrum, with green standing for strict aromanticism. The white stripe represents platonic relationships and honors the validity of non-romantic forms of love. 

The gray stripe is for grayromantics — people who experience less frequent or less intense romantic attraction than most. 

Finally, the black stripe represents the sexuality spectrum that exists in tandem with the romantic spectrum. It acknowledges asexuals, allosexuals, and others who may also identify as aromantic.

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Signs of aromanticism

Just like fisting, pineapple on pizza, and Katy Perry’s new single, many people enjoy aromanticism, even if society tries to tell them it’s wrong. Every aromantic person’s entry point will be slightly different, but there are still shared signs and experiences to look out for. Here are a few of the more common indicators:

• You aren’t excited by the idea of a romantic relationship. This may seem obvious, but it’s a big one. More often than not, people who experience romantic attraction are excited by and deeply invested in the idea of having romantic relationships. Aromantic people don’t share that desire or drive. 
• You often feel your partners are more in love and invested in the relationship than you are. A romantic relationship should be a shared experience between partners. If your relationship feels one-sided or you can’t match your partner’s romantic enthusiasm, you may be aromantic or grayromantic.
• You have a hard time relating to romantic stories. Disliking romantic comedies and being unable to relate to them are two different things. We aren’t saying you’re aromantic if you prefer horror or action movies, but you might be if you can’t identify with romance at all.
• You don’t need romantic relationships to feel fulfilled. Everyone should have a sense of independence and self-love, but there’s a difference between being at peace without a romantic relationship and preferring not to be in one. The latter might mean you’re aromantic. 
• You don’t experience feelings of romantic attraction. We saved the most obvious for last; this is pretty self-explanatory. If you never experience feelings of romantic attraction, you might be aromantic. 

Understanding the aromantic spectrum

We’ve already said aromanticism exists on a spectrum, but now it’s time to discuss what that looks like. This is not an exhaustive list — just a general representation of places people might fall on the aromantic spectrum. Remember: Just like a person’s affinity for Katy Perry, their feelings toward romance may change throughout their lifetime.  

• Demiromantic: You know the expression love at first sight? Demiromantic is the diametrical opposite of that. People who identify as demiromantic can only experience romantic attraction toward a person after they develop an intense emotional connection.
• Grayromantic: People identifying as grayromantic may experience muted or fleeting romantic attraction. This catch-all term covers anyone who isn’t quite aromantic. Not to be confused with graysexual.
• Aroflux: Aroflux people’s romantic attraction fluctuates, always landing somewhere along the aromantic spectrum. Although they may not typically desire a romantic relationship or affection, they acknowledge fleeting phases where they want those things. 
• Recipromanticism: People who identify as recipromantic are only able to fall in love or experience romantic attraction once they know the other person is romantically attracted to them.
• Akoiromantic: In some ways, akoiromantics (aka lithromantics) are the opposite of recipromantics. Akoiromantics only experience romantic attraction toward those who do not reciprocate their feelings.

Common misconceptions

It is totally possible — even likely — that aromantic people will have strong, healthy, deeply fulfilling relationships in their lives. Platonic relationships, friendships, and even non-romantic sexual encounters make up a rich tapestry of potential relationships aromantic people can enjoy.  

Still, many wrongly believe aromantic people can’t have positive relationships. Aromantic people are just as likely as anyone else to have diverse, healthy relationships throughout their lives; they simply aren’t romantic in nature.  

People may also assume aromantic people are cold or unkind because they don’t experience romantic desire, but this isn’t the case. A lack of romantic desire doesn’t make someone incapable of love or other intense emotions; those emotions just aren’t tied to romance. 

How to support aromantics

There are numerous ways to support aromantic people. Of course, the best way to be an ally is to ask the aromantic people in your life what they need. But if you’re looking for general advice, here are some excellent options:

• Be enthusiastic about their relationships: Often, people only check in on their friends’ romantic relationships. Ask aromantic people about other significant connections in their lives (e.g., old friends, new acquaintances, or even family members) to validate the value of their non-romantic relationships. 
• Respect their boundaries: You may experience romantic attraction to a person who identifies as aromantic. This isn’t an opportunity to convince them to give romance a try. Similarly, if you believe someone who is aromantic is “missing out,” keep that to yourself and try to reframe your thinking. 
• Stand up for them: One of the most important ways to support an aromantic person (or anyone for that matter) is to voice your support even when they aren’t around. If you encounter anti-aromantic individuals, stand up for the aromantic community. Don’t let them be the punchline of a joke.

Find friends, lovers, and everything in between on Grindr

Aromantic, alloromantic, demiromantic — no matter where you fall on the romance spectrum, Grindr has plenty of people who are looking for the same things you are. So, what are you waiting for? Download the Grindr app today and get friendly.