Queerplatonic Relationships: The Modern Evolution of a Boston Marriage

Life as a queer person brings unique challenges, norms, and choices. Living in a heteronormative world can be lonely, hence why so many LGBTQ people seek solace in community. Basically, the girlies who get it get it. But that doesn’t mean the girlies gotta get it.

Queerplatonic relationships, aka QPRs or queerplatonic partnerships, are nonromantic, nonsexual partnerships between queer people that go deeper than friendship. Although the term originated with asexual people, individuals of any sexuality or gender can find themselves falling deeply in love with their bestie. 

Society often says platonic relationships aren’t as meaningful as romantic ones, but QPRs prove this wrong. These bonds are just as committed as traditional pairings. Many queerplatonic couples co-parent, share finances, and even go home with each other for the holidays to hear their uncles’ awful political takes!

So, what is a queerplatonic relationship like in practice? Is a lifelong platonic relationship right for you?

History of queerplatonic relationships

The idea of a platonic life partner isn’t new; romantic friendship was common in the late 19th century. Victorian QPRs involved friends who were physically affectionate and borderline romantic with each other, but their connection still didn’t involve sex.

At the time, the term was “Boston marriage.” The phrase explicitly described a formal life partnership between two independently wealthy women — think Oprah and Gayle or Julia Fox and Charli XCX.

This isn’t exactly the same as today’s queerplatonic relationships; many of these women were actually lesbians hiding in plain sight. But some women simply didn’t pretend they wanted to live with men (and they’re honestly so real for that). The Boston marriage was short-lived, unfortunately, due to the increasingly homophobic views of the 1900s.

The term “queerplatonic relationship” originated where much of modern gay culture resides: online. The asexual community coined the term to describe intense connections that didn’t involve romance. Their relationships often fell into the category of “more than friends, but not quite lovers.”

Queerplatonic vs. other types of relationships

Queerplatonic relationships don’t have to look one specific way. However, that nebulous definition makes them hard to pin down, especially when there’s overlap with other types of relationships. Let’s discuss the different bonds that may resemble a queerplatonic connection.

Queerplatonic relationship vs. friends with benefits

This one’s pretty queer — er, clear. The “B” in FWB almost always means you’re fucking. That’s the entire point of a friend with benefits: friendship plus sex. Queerplatonic relationships might have dabbled in sexual shenanigans in the past, but this never defines their connection — quite the opposite.

Queerplatonic vs. aromantic

Aromantic people can be in a queerplatonic relationship. In fact, they invented the concept. Many aromantic individuals opt for a QPR because people need love, even if it isn’t the romantic kind. 

However, not every friendship between aromantic people is a QPR. They’re perfectly capable of being friends without buying a home together. Plus, aromantic relationships don’t necessarily exclude sex, which contradicts the “platonic” part of a queerplatonic relationship.

Queerplatonic vs. asexual

The differences here are similar to those between aromantic and queerplatonic connections — just swap out romantic feelings for sexual desire. Asexual connections can be queerplatonic, but asexuality is a sexual orientation, not a type of relationship.

Queerplatonic vs. open relationship

Open relationships are romantic partnerships that allow outside connections, whether for love, lust, or a mixture of both. Queerplatonic relationships aren’t concerned with romantic exclusivity. Queerplatonic relationships are often “open” in that the partners may seek sex and romance from others.

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Pros and cons of queerplatonic relationships

Like any relationship, QPRs aren’t just two people holding hands, sliding down glittery rainbows as they sail smoothly through life. Even a queerplatonic relationship can have struggles. Here are the ups and downs of finding a platonic soulmate:

Benefits of a queerplatonic relationship

• You’ll experience deep emotional connections with someone you love without the pressure to be romantic.
• You can define your relationship on your own terms instead of waiting for nosy family members or internet strangers to do it for you. (We, personally, would never.)
• You have a support system to help you through hard times (that won’t ask to get their dick sucked as a thank you).

Challenges of a queerplatonic relationship

• Some friends and family might not get it — what a shocker. This shouldn’t stop you from being authentic in your relationships, but it’s definitely still a challenge.
• Boundaries and expectations can be tough to navigate. Emotional closeness can lead to murky waters that you’ll have to clear up with lots of communication and compromise.
• Finding the right way to talk about your relationship is often challenging. Queerplatonic is a good “catch-all” term, but it might not perfectly describe your feelings for your partner.

Signs you’re in a QPR relationship

Are you already in a QPR relationship? Is that even possible? Sort of! If any of these indicators sound familiar, you might be in a platonic life partnership.

Life without your partner is unimaginable

If you can’t fathom a day where you don’t talk or see your person, you might be in a queerplatonic relationship. You want to tell them everything about your day down to the last detail, and you hope they’re a part of the story as often as possible.

You don’t call your partner your “girlfriend” or “boyfriend”

Maybe you feel the same closeness one might feel with a girlfriend or boyfriend, but using that term would give the wrong message — not to mention dilute your relationship’s champagne taste down to a bottle of Dasani.

They’re like family

Does this person feel more like a member of your chosen family? Someone you’ll plan your whole life around? That could also indicate you’re in a queerplatonic relationship.

Are queerplatonic relationships right for you?

Do you see yourself calling your queer friend “dear?” Ask yourself these questions to find out:

• Do you crave connection but not necessarily a romantic relationship?
• Would you be content with a relationship that doesn’t fit neatly into the boxes society built?
• Do you value close friendships more than romance or sexual attraction?
• Are you excited to explore a new emotional connection that doesn’t come with a handbook?

Any emphatic “yes” to any of these questions should be enough to encourage further exploration. And if you said yes to every queerplatonic query, then a modern Boston marriage would probably be “wicked pissah” for you.

What to call your queerplatonic partner

You could always call this person your partner and be done with it. But to many people, that still implies a romantic or sexual connection. Here are a few terms that very clearly don’t:

• Platonic partner: Similar to a regular life partner — now with 100% less sex!
• Mallowfriend: Platonic crushes — the powerful urge to be friends with someone — are often called squishes. When a squish graduates to a full-blown platonic relationship, they’re commonly called your mallowfriend. This QPR term has the distinct benefit of being absolutely adorable
• Zucchini: A similarly cute name for your platonic partner, although it won’t suit everyone’s picky palate
• Platonic soulmate: No one said a soulmate has to be romantic. Calling your partner a platonic soulmate communicates that this person is spiritually special to you, sans sexual connection.

Tips for navigating a QPR relationship

QPR relationships sound simple. It’s just you and your bestie against the world, eat-pray-loving everything life offers. But there are often a lot of hurdles for these connections. Here’s how we suggest building a successful QPR relationship:

• Communicate openly: Communication is key, just like in any romantic relationship (every relationship, honestly). You probably want to share everything with this person anyway, so follow that instinct and keep the lines open.
• Set boundaries: The confines of a queerplatonic relationship are just as clear as they are queer, but no two QPR partners will have the same wants and needs. Define your terms to avoid emotional landmines in the future.
• Check in regularly: You can’t rest on your laurels just because things are going smoothly. Check in with your platonic partner to discuss the dynamics of your relationship, especially when significant life changes or emotions arise.
• Talk about exclusivity: Many people in QPRs have romantic or sexual partners outside their connection. Is that comfortable OK for you, and what does it look like in practice? Discuss it and outline the structure from day one to avoid confusion or hurt feelings.

I now pronounce thee… besties!

No matter your sexuality or gender, everyone needs friendship. Queerplatonic relationships are a beautiful type of relationship that can be just as gratifying as a romantic connection. With a platonic partner, you’re sure to win the game of Life — even if you never add any kids to the car.

Want to discover partnerships (both sexual and nonsexual) from the comfort of your home? Grindr has countless QPR cuties waiting to have a slumber party with you. Download the Grindr app today and meet them.