Whorescopes: Aries Szn

Well, I must say this quarantine was very predictable. Oh, not from an astrological standpoint, but you don’t need to read the stars to see why previous administrations had pandemic response teams. Anyway, it’s Aries szn! Yay! This is a time of deep reflection, deep penetration, and deep diving into your closets while you Marie Kondo your mental space. Happy Aries szn my quarantine cuties.

Burning Down the Haus

Happy birthday, Darling Ram! All the stars have aligned this cosmic szn to bring you a true Aries first: birthday at home! Yay! Put on your jammies, brew some tea, and relax as I take you through your bday whorescope.  

Love: Love is in the air for you, Aries! Though you’re stuck in the house, you’ve connected with a few gentlemen on the apps: Raya, Grindr, Postmates. Now, you’re ready to take it to the next level—video chat! You know what’s better than meeting in person? Meeting over the phone so you can hang up and raid the fridge if you’re both tops.

Lust: Venus enters Gemini on April 3rd causing a wave of undulating sexual tension, pulsating desire, and feverish lust. But your ass is in self-isolation so too bad. ha HA!

Friendships : Remember in Toy Story when Randy Newman sang, You’ve got a Friend in Me? I felt that. Facetime your friends, stay connected, and remember that loneliness is not useful!  

Work : Work life is Britney and Kevin: Chaotic rn. Take a deep breath baby gurl. That’s right, in and out. Remember this quote, “Tough times don't last, tough people do. ” — Tiffany Pollard (jk, but maybe?)

Taurus gets horned up

The cosmos is telling me that you’ll be spending a lot of time at home this month.

Love: Love wins. Except when your partner keeps running that mouth, and then it feels like love is Jordan Spark’s Battlefield. Luckily, Mercury is in Pisces this szn, helping you to talk out your feelings instead of eating them.

Lust: Okay, so you’re having some difficulties with the ‘ol ball n’ chain. It’s probably because you’re locked inside your house during a global pandemic? Instead of using that aggression to hurt your babe’s feelings, use it in the bedroom! Whips, chains, smacks, gags. You can thank me later: venmo @whorescopes1

Friendships: Sit at home and play Quiplash with friends over Zoom? Oh goddex yes, your friendships are thriving. You talk more now and you don’t have to drive all the way to their house.  

Work: You are a worker bee, but for right now there isn’t a lot you can do. Although this is bound to cause you anxiety and stress, just remember how many naps you get to take.

Gemini loves herselves

The cosmos is telling me that you’ll be spending a lot of time at home this month.

Love: Well, you’ve finally found the one, it’s you girls. Self-love is gushing from your soul and opening you up to new levels of self-esteem and satisfaction. Alexa, play Back To Me by Lindsay Lohan.  

Lust: I’ve got two words that are going to change your quarantine experience: prostate stimulator.

Friendships: Your friends will be fine without you for a while as you take some much needed time for yourself. Well, yourself and your prostate stimulator.  

Work: Though work life is mostly non-existent right now, I think this whole pandemic is really pushing you to believe in universal basic income, and that’s pretty rad, dear.  

Wake up Pearl, wake up

The cosmos is telling me that you’ll be spending a lot of time at home this month.

Love: It’s hard to meet the love of your life in quarantine, but omg what if you’re already living with her? That’s right, queen. You’ve been to paradise, but you’ve never been to you. Use this self-isolation to enjoy your company: learn how you like to spend your free time, what’s fun for you, where your g-spot is. By the end of this szn you’ll be wide awake.

Lust: Though you start off this isolation with a low libido, you’ll soon find your mojo up to its usual tomfoolery. Make sure you’re paying for your porn, other girls gotta eat too.

Friendships: Mars in Aquarius sees you involved in a few squabbles, but that’s mostly growing pains. Allow yourself to feel how you feel. Your true friends will always be there.

Work: When Dolly sang, “Barely gettin' by, it's all takin' and no givin',” in 9 to 5? That was a cultural reset. Don’t forget that everything you put out in the world is real and true and no one can take it away.  

If you come for the Queen, you best not miss.

The cosmos is telling me that you’ll be spending a lot of time at home this month.

Love: Your relationship with love is mostly one-sided: people love you. But, this period of self-isolation is asking you to reexamine why you need to be idolized by others.

Lust: You’re pacing the house like a Lion in a cage, waiting for the right time to take down your prey (bottom), but baby it’s going to be a while. Use that pent up energy physically. Work out. Do yoga. Masturbate 4x everyday.

Friendships: Stuck in your ivory tower, forced to be away from your doting subjects who worship and praise your every move. What’s a lioness to do? Don’t be a Cersei and burn the whole kingdom down now gal. All is well, relax.  

Work: You are stressed, and this stress is causing you to make up scenarios and play them out in your head and get upset about things that haven’t happened and probably won’t. Stop the warped daydreaming, put on Pussycat Dolls Buttons and let’s fucking do this.

Boys Will Be Boys

The cosmos is telling me that you’ll be spending a lot of time at home this month.

Love: OoOOoo Venus in Gemini is favoring Virgo to fall in love this szn. If you’re not connecting with anyone special, now is the time to freshen up that Grindr pic and use global chat to find a European boy 😉. You’ll need to travel somewhere after all this, why not head into the arms of a Parisian lover? Oui, bitch. Oui.

Lust: Tweet didn’t write Oops (Oh My) so you could complain about your horniness. Bust out that fleshlight and then, “Oops, there goes my shirt up over my head, Oh my.”

Friendships: This is a time of appreciation: of yourself, your family, and your friends. It’s a serious time in the world, but you of all people know how to bring the party. Just because you’re on lockdown doesn’t mean you can’t get into trouble. I’m sure you’ll think of something.

Work: Work life is headed towards balance by the end of Aries szn. In the meantime, enjoy being a free bitch, baby.

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Libra gets physical

The cosmos is telling me that you’ll be spending a lot of time at home this month.

Love: Your partner loves you more than anything, even when you’re a moody beast, but if you want to keep him around for the next wave of quarantine, you need to work out that extra energy, Mama.

Lust: Myself? Not a workout gay. The only place you’ll find me in Equinox is the steam room, so let me give you some advice: take your frustrations out in bed.

Friendships: You’re in a mood, but gossiping to your girls is not going to help your relationship. Save the complaining and give your man some TLC (Totally, Licked, C***).

Work: Work is keeping you sane. Use it to fuel your creativity and energy this szn. Others around you are noticing your efforts.

Scorpio gets boo’ed up bitch, yes.

The cosmos is telling me that you’ll be spending a lot of time at home this month.

Love: Quarantine got you feeling warm and cozy. Though you’re usually happy to spend your nights wandering the streets for a good time, this szn has you loving up on your boo and enjoying quiet time at home. What’s going on? You feeling okay?  

Lust:  You are not one to sit idly by while your regular clientele begs you to come over, but good on you for staying strong.

Friendships: “It’s a wild time to be alive”– Weyes Blood, and me, and everyone. Your friends are in flux, don’t take anything personally.  

Work: You are thriving the apocalypse. Work is stressful, but you under pressure? Girl, that’s like a coal turning into a diamond. *Tongue pop* or whatever.

Sagittarius gets some sexual healing

The cosmos is telling me that you’ll be spending a lot of time at home this month.

Love: Your love life is blossoming in quarantine. Who knew being trapped together in a small one-bedroom would fix the problems in your relationship? It sounds like the beginning of a rom-com...wait. Okay, shotgun. Do not write that script, it’s mine.

Lust: The lack of control right now is making you feel a little woozy. You know what though? Your ass needs to learn how to surrender. I think a month of being a sub bottom is exactly what you need.

Friendships: Though you wish you could be riding’ dirty with your girls right now, don’t worry, you will again. And the next time you see them will be at your favorite bar, on a Friday night.  You’ll see them across the floor and run over, they’ll open up a bottle of Rush and you’ll take a hit and right then? Right then, The DJ starts spinning I Wanna Dance With Somebody.

Work: The best way to get ahead in work is to do the work and be nice and stop wearing the same sweater to every zoom meeting.

Capricorn feels feelings

The cosmos is telling me that you’ll be spending a lot of time at home this month.

Love: You are experiencing something strange. Something foreign. Something unusual. You are experiencing feelings. Self-isolation is making you vulnerable and reminding you that needing ppl is not just normal, it’s necessary. Tell your crush, your parents, and your friends you love them.

Lust: These feelings that you are experiencing are also causing a strange sensation in your lower region. Dare I say, you’re horny bitch? If you’re quarantined by yourself set your vibrator to 10 and if you got a man, show your man what you got!

Friendships: You don’t always have to be the first one to reach out, I know you get touchy about that, but everyone is in a weird place. Be the bigger person and send some love to your girls.

Work: You’re a true teacher’s pet at work, but working from home is killing your productivity. That’s okay. Do what you can and take care of yourself.

Aqua makes a few calls…

The cosmos is telling me that you’ll be spending a lot of time at home this month.

Love: Tina Turner said, “What’s love got to do with it?” and your ass just nodded and said, yup. Rude.

Lust: The stress of work and quarantine is deflating your libido, but masturbating is crucial to helping you relax! Have you tried phone sex? I’m just going to leave this right here—(605) 475-3353.

Friendships: Your friends are coming in for the rescue this month as your anxiety begins to overwhelm. Let yourself be vulnerable and honest to your besties, we’re all in this together. If you want I could throw us a Zoom dance party...but I don’t take song requests...

Work: Some days are meant to be productive, some days are meant to investigate who tf is Zipper in Animal Crossing.

Raw fish

The cosmos is telling me that you’ll be spending a lot of time at home this month.

Love: Honey, this ain’t the szn. I am sorry to this fish, but nope. Not you. I will let you in on a secret though, April showers bring May flowers. And by flowers I'm referring to the kind that bloom a la Troye Sivan.

Lust: You’re horny, but not for sexy per se. You want a romantic fantasy where someone says they need you desperately and then they tie you up and bang you to smithereens. Try reading porn this month, it’ll give you a better orgasm than Xtube.

Friendships: You’ve had a weird go of it the past year, I would gird your loins and watch your trap and appreciate those who love you most.

Work: Let me quote Legally Blonde: The Musical for this one, “Back in the game, back on the case, get the hell out of her way!” And that’s that on that, darling.