Whorescopes: Gemini Szn 2021

This szn it’s the twin’s birthday AND Pride month. Oh, and also Mercury is in retrograde and there’s a major eclipse. The cosmos is so jam packed I don’t think even Trinity “The Tuck” Taylor would know where to fit it in. As you prepare for Pride festivities (douching, purchasing bucket hats, waiting in line for Horsemeat Disco tickets) just remember that the astral realm is in chaos—welcome to Gemini szn.

Gemini celebrates their bday

LOVE: There will be three celestial bodies in Gemini this szn. Coincidentally there will also be at least three celestial bodies in you as well. Love wins.

LUST: You’ve had so many nuts this month that you need to avoid people with peanut allergies. After a year locked inside, you’ve earned it.

FRIENDSHIPS: A solar eclipse in Gemini AND Mercury Retrograde? Your diva cup runneth over. Make sure your girls kiss the ring or else they might just get the chop.

WORK: Jupiter is ushering in opportunities for you to speak up more in the office. Like in the bedroom, your goal here is to open wide and enunciate.

Cancer by the pound

LOVE: It’s eclipse season, so for a queen ruled by the moon, your emotions are gonna be unhinged. Ground yourself with daily meditation and cock.

LUST: Listen up crab, if there’s one thing you’re known for it’s providing delicious meat that’s hard to get to. Open up that shell and show him why you’re so expensive by the...pound.

FRIENDSHIPS: Ironically, the solar eclipse in Gemini is about to light your life up. You’re gonna learn a secret someone’s been trying to hide from you.The bridges you burn will light your way.

WORK:  New opportunities are going to be a lot more work than you expected, but if you can survive 48 hours of lock jaw on Fire Island I know you’ll get through this.

Leo has a soft open

LOVE: Full moon eclipses bring closure, but you’ll remain wide open. Take it slowly though or you’ll end up emotionally prolapsed.

LUST: There are no selfish tops during Pride month. All is well. Rejoice!

FRIENDSHIPS: You’re feeling yourself this month and not in the Britney Spears “Touch Of My Hand” way. That said, don’t let that confidence go to your head or it’ll be you against more than the music.

WORK: Listen, bills are paid. Men are texting. In the office, you are flexing. You’re hitting some career highs this summer and getting the attention from men on the low.

Virgo acts out

LOVE:  You value stability, but Gemini wants to see how you and your partner deal with the unknown. Your man might get a sudden inclination to pick up a 3rd or maybe a 4th this szn and let me just say: nothing wrong with some extra servings.

LUST: The eclipse didn’t block the vision from your third eye, you’re just lost in the dark room. Use your iPhone flashlight.  

FRIENDSHIPS: For someone on PrEP, you’ve been wrapping up a lot of things lately. Time to analyze why you’re distancing yourself from close friends.

WORK: You’re feeling inspired to push the envelope and play some new roles in the workplace just because you can. Like Meryl, you’ll succeed at every one of them. *Tammie Brown voice* “I’M ACTING.”

Libra has the answer

LOVE: Saturn will be in Aquarius starting June 14, which means you’re gonna have to dig deep in order to make strong connections. I’m serious, not your usual surface poking, Libra. I’m talking Boomer Banks plowing.

LUST: If sex were a SAT subject test, you’d have gotten a much better score. Stop asking questions, start realizing you’re the answer.

FRIENDSHIPS: You’re going to bury the hatchet with an old friend this month, but you got an extra one in the trunk just in case.

WORK: Your boss is on one this szn, please let him know it’s Pride month and you’re *technically on vacation.

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Scorpio has the best Pride month ever

LOVE: The only thing you’ve seriously dated in a long time is a letter. That’s okay, because this month you’ll be ready to get your envelope licked and stamped. First class male.

LUST: You’ve been taking control a lot more recently but that changes this month. You’re no Audra, but this month you are your daddy’s son.

FRIENDSHIPS: Shade is great for sunny parks and banter amongst close friends, but don’t bring your usual shade to the beach with people you just met or the waves won’t be the only thing crashing.

WORK: This month HR stands for Homosexual Rights.

Sagittarius is trending

LOVE: Eclipses can send people out of your life in an instant. Your quarantine boyfriend who is not your boyfriend might get a job halfway across the country. Your regular third might find a man of his own. It’s gonna be a Cruel Summer indeed.

LUST: You’re definitely trending high this month and people are very into your sexual campaign. You’re polling well, and you’ve got more dicks inside you than the Republican National Convention.

FRIENDSHIPS: If you and your friends had a Marvel movie, you’d probably be known as the Vodka Soda Squad. Grab cocktails with the girls and watch your powers grow. Vodkavision.

WORK: You’re gonna see your professional talent in a brand new light. A new alliance is forming between you and someone at work. It will have the power of a highly anticipated OnlyFans collab. When you link up everyone in the office will subscribe.

Capricorn spills tea

LOVE: Mercury retrograde has been testing your connections, bestie. Instead of asking your crush “what’s up?” try asking him, “How’s your emotional landscape?”  

LUST: You’ve been holding back more than normal, but it’s time to get a little wild. “Well behaved bottoms, seldom make history” - Walt Whitman

FRIENDSHIPS: This is a message from the future: You and the girls are going to bond over retrograde and get too drunk at Ty Tea and request a song from the DJ. DON’T!

WORK: The work days are starting to feel longer than the Marry The Night video. Your June mantra is: Work, no sleep, bus, club, another club, plane, work, work, work, another club...

Aqua indulges

LOVE: Mars enters Leo and that’s gonna make you feel a little more lavish than usual. Take your man to dinner. You be dessert.

LUST: Mars has got you feeling hyper dominant all of a sudden. Make sure you keep that energy in the bedroom, you do not need to be telling your boss that he’s a good boy.

FRIENDSHIPS: Unfortunately you will be playing dad at the Pride parade and collecting your friends from various dark rooms, back rooms, and bathroom stalls.

WORK: Being the office diva is a thin line to walk but if there’s anyone who can do it, it’s you. You could do it in stilettos. With your eyes closed. Coming home from the afters at 5 a.m.

Pisces holds it together

LOVE: You’d fall in love with a paper clip if it were emotionally available, but just be certain to thoroughly edit and filter your dating prospects. Otherwise, you’ll be the one who needs a clip...to hold you together.

LUST: Whoever said “one in the hand is worth two in the bush” has never had one in each hand while in the bush, but something tells me you will. Hit up the local park for a little public fun. Nature is healing.

FRIENDSHIPS: A full moon in Capricorn is heading your way on the 24th and you love tea so much your blood type is Yogi. Get together with the girls and spill.

WORK: A coworker has been trying you consistently through this mercury retrograde but resist the temptation to read them…to their face. That’s what your slack channels are for girl.

Aries got beef  

LOVE: Mars moves into Leo this month concocting the perfect recipe for new love. You’re ready for prime BEEF. Don’t worry, there’s USDA Grade A Premium Organic Fuckboi coming to ruin your summer plans.

LUST: You’re hot, stressed, and ready to blow off some steam. May I suggest a steam room? Public cruising is on the rise, don’t block your blessings.

FRIENDSHIPS: Forgive and forget. That’s what happens to me every Saturday night around 2 a.m. and I think you can relate this month.

WORK: Sure, it’s homophobic that you’re working during Pride month, but take pride in the the fact that you won’t be side-eyed when you show up 30 minutes late with an iced coffee every Monday.

Taurus doubles down

LOVE: You’re feeling pretty strong for someone right now, drop the defense mechanisms and let them grab the bull by the horns. (Coincidentally that is my fave position.)

LUST: It’s time to double up on Double Scorpio and double down on some of the men on your favorites list. This is not Grindr’s Best Friend Race, go out there and get you some.

FRIENDSHIPS: You’re gonna find yourself the star of multiple new friend groups this Pride month. Come on Evita, it’s time to be Rainbow High.

WORK: This month is gonna feel shorter than the final season of Pose. Fill the free time with that important side project you’ve been putting off. And by important side project, I mean memorizing every Elektra Abundance read.