Whorescopes: Scorpio Szn 2021

This month, the sun starts setting before it even rises and your patience is thinner than your bank account pre-payday.

Love: You’re juggling men because you’re always looking for the bigger and better option. Keep it up and all these men are gonna decide their better option is not putting up with you!

Lust: Your legs are gonna be more open than Robbie Turner’s Google Cal. Men will be crashing into you left and right.

Friendships: Find a few new friends to bring into the group. It’s time to shake up this season of housewives.

Work: Your work-life balance feels like having 40 tabs open at once right now. It’s time to close the window and relax a bit, you’ll always be able to restore them.

Love: You keep setting yourself up for failure and wondering why things never work out. He’s never going to leave his boyfriend for you!

Lust: This month you’re gonna have more d*cks in you than the trough at your local gayborhood Eagle. You’re ready to take flight. Piss play gives you wings, right? Right?!

Friendships: There’s a salted rim and karaoke mic with your name on it. Go and wow a crowd with your version of “Dancing Queen.”

Work: You’ve been way too stressed for way too long, and another Zoom meeting might just be your Joker origin story. It’s time to spruce up your LinkedIn.

Love: Just remember, while you’re playing hard to get, someone else is getting him hard. Quit with the games, sis.

Lust: This holiday season is for family, friends, f*cking around, and finding out. Don’t let these men run all over you, you’re in control. USE THEM.

Friendships: You feel like you’ve been drifting away from your friends a bit, but there’s nothing that can’t be hashed out together in the bathroom stall.

Work: They don’t pay you enough to keep the peace. It’s time to shake things up and wreak havoc. Tell your unsuspecting coworker they look tired!

Love: “Men are trash” is a global rallying call. Instead of your usual Fall activity of having to break up with men you weren’t even dating, take some time to focus on what *you* need.

Lust: He may not be able to fill the hole in your heart, but that’s not the hole that needs the most filling anyway. Load up.

Friendships: Hanging out with your coworkers every weekend is not a substitute for friends. Find some gays you don’t have to Zoom with during business hours.

Work: If the sun goes down early, so does your laptop, queen! We don’t make the rules!!

Love: Maybe you’re a bottom, but in love you’re coming out on top. Potential partners are making themselves present to you. Open up and receive them, in more ways than one.

Lust: As the leaves fall and the temperature drops, your favorite spots for public play are going out of business. Time to open up that gloryhole you’ve always dreamed about. This is the land of opportunity!

Friendships: This holiday season, give the gift of truth. Tell your friend to throw out that ASOS shirt already!

Work: Every time you have to open an Excel spreadsheet it takes 12 days off your life! Quit!!

Love: You’ve been awfully “Wicked” to the men you’re supposed to be dating. As Ariana Grande will say, “Elphaba, why couldn’t you have stayed calm for once, instead of flying off the handle?”

Lust: You’re feeling a bit explorative this month and it’s time to try some new adventures. Film a video. Get some public stall action. Put a foot in your mouth literally for once.

Friendships: You’re looking for a new clique, but f*cking your way into a friend group is a foolproof way to make sure you’re always orbiting the group, but never at the center of it. Keep it in your pants, queen!

Work: That new office twink may be charming, but he doesn’t have your knack for building relationships. Organize a group dinner and remind him who is the leader of this army!

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Love: Only a couple of things in this life are certain: 1) Men ain’t sh*t. 2) Your intuition is always right. Dump him.

Lust: You’ve had more seeds planted in you than a nursery this month. It’s good to be fertilized.

Friendships: You’ve been racking up points on the friendship scoreboard this month. I know you love to support others, but who’s got your back when you’re on the rebound?

Work: You’ve been on the same rung on the corporate ladder for years. In the words of poet laureate, TS Madison: it’s time to step your p*ssy up, own a business b*tch, suck a d*ck.

Love:  You may have two faces, but you can only focus on one man at a time. Cut the cord on the ones you’ve been stringing along.

Lust: Daylight saving time doesn’t affect you like everyone else. The sun never sets early on a bad b*tch. It’s an extra hour to keep these men on their toes!

Friendships: You’ve been in need of help and support, but don’t know how to ask for it. Open your mouth queen, I promise your gays will be there for you.

Work: You’ve got to start setting boundaries with your coworkers. It may be called Slack, but just because you’re not replying to messages at 8pm doesn’t mean you’re slacking off.

Love: A 10-minute version of Taylor Swift’s “All Too Well” has arrived. Let’s just focus on surviving that, okay?

Lust: Another cuffing season with your hands totally free. Surely someone’s got room for your fist…

Friendships: You find yourself in need of a good girls trip. This holiday season, skip the turkey and go somewhere where you can get d*ck and a cocktail with an umbrella in the glass.

Work: Bondage is useful in not only the bedroom, but also the boardroom. Do some afterhours bonding with your boss. You’ll need it when you request that extra day of PTO.

Love: You’ve got a knack for letting your need for constant praise get in the way of a good thing. Ask yourself: do you want a man or fan?

Lust: If there’s one thing you know how to do, it’s have sex. Just don’t let him catch you looking at yourself in the mirror the whole time. Vanity isn’t gonna make his kitty purr, Lion.

Friendships: You’re always the center of attention, but let’s focus on being the center of attentiveness. Keep neglecting your friends and you’ll be “Party For One,” Carly Rae.

Work: You need to stop relying on that body...of work. Your past performance isn’t enough to let your laziness this month go unnoticed. Pull it together, queen.

Love: You’ve been putting men through tests that you couldn’t even pass yourself. Give it up, Professor.

Lust: Your ass will experience more showtime than the person clearly going home in an episode of “Drag Race.” Just don’t rush through foreplay or he’ll be giving you the villain edit.

Friendships: You’re falling behind on your shows, but even worse, you’re falling behind on your gossip! Grab your good Judy and get the tea.

Work: There’s no business like show business! Working is just as much about your job performance as it is about your theatrical performance. You better pretend to care or you’ll find yourself replaced by your understudy.

Love: A new Adele album is coming. To prepare yourself, find a way to hurt your own feelings by investing in unavailable men. That way, you can maximize the listening experience.

Lust: You’re only good at sexy when you feel sexy. Time to buy some new undies. Those jockstraps worn out by the grip of tops past are no longer doing it for you, honey!

Friendships: You can’t gaslight, gatekeep, and girlboss your way through the friend group. Time to take some accountability or there’s gonna be a new group chat without you in it.

Work: You take on certain projects as a labor of love, sure, but you don’t love doing unnecessary labor. Start organizing yourself a bit better this month so you don’t have to go back and repeat things!