Whorescopes: Libra Szn 2021

This month is bringing us Adele, but it also brought us Dave Chapelle. Balance? It’s a spooky season and, while Mercury is in retrograde, we’re all out of tricks.

Love: “A feeling deep in your soul / Says you were half, now you’re hole” -Barbra Streisand on the LGBTQ community

Lust: Rachel Dolezal has an OnlyFans and you’re worried about posting ass on main. Please. There are no rules anymore.

Friendships: You’ve got more happy hours on the books than you do dates, but you’ll spend all that time bitching to your friends about being single. Read the room, babe, or the room will be reading you.

Work: Are you the Zodiac killer? Cause you’ve been identified despite not doing any relevant work in ages. Pick up the pace, hun.

Love: I know it seems like everyone is getting engaged while all you’ve been barely able to engage in conversation. Chin up, sweetie, he’s about to blow on your face.

Lust: No NASCAR, but just because summer is over doesn’t mean you have to pump the brakes on your sex drive. Fuel up and throw that ass in reverse, queen.

Friendships: You and your bosom buddies have been making money together. You love to focus, but don’t let that friendship turn into strictly business. Margaritas on them? Yeah, margaritas on THEM.

Work: Babe, that “White Lotus” fantasy you’re having with your manager is not gonna work out quite as well as you think it will. He’ll still yell at you for being late next week.

Love: You’ve never loved anyone more than you love your peace of mind, and men are nothing but chaos. That said, weighted blankets can’t eat your ass.  

Lust: This year, “Drag Race” is on its 300th season. Interestingly, that's also the number of times you’ve deleted and redownloaded Grindr. Your bio can’t always say “lost chats” or the men will be losing interest.

Friendships: This cuffing season, the thing you’re most attached to is Halloween plans. A group costume is almost as satisfying as an orgy…

Work: You have been responding and reading emails after 7PM. No Taylor, but you need to calm down. They’re not paying you to be so swift!

Love: Pack up it, Annalise Keating. There are bigger things in this world than winning every argument.

Lust: Beyonce’s Ivy Park said it’s a Yee Haw fall. Giddy up babe, you’ll be riding bareback and maybe even side saddle!

Friendships: Listen up, Ram: not everyone likes things forced down their throats. You may be coming from a good place, but your friends are gagging. And not in the way they’re used to.

Work: You’ve been working 9-5, but you’re WERQING 24/7. You’re always on display. Alexa play “Melissa Gorga.”

Love: With another lockdown looming, it’s time you socially distance yourself from men who are holding you back. He doesn’t want you, he just doesn’t want you with someone else.

Lust: You’ve been inside more men than unwarranted confidence, but don’t let that come with any shame. Summer may have come to an end, but you’re just coming!

Friendship: Generally you’ve got plenty of water to bear, but your social well is drying up this month. Time to rehydrate and refill your reservoir for Adele tears. Your friends will be there.

Work: Listen, summer Fridays are over and you’re sad about it. It’s okay, tweet while you’re on the clock. You deserve.

Love: You’ve got enough Grindr taps to start a forest fire, but they’re not gonna light themselves from the couch, queen. Meet up with them!!

Lust: Honestly, this fall you’ll be tricking and it’ll be one hell of a treat. You’ve got a sweet tooth, but an even sweeter ass!  

Friendship: This Halloween season, the scariest thing for you is making new friends. I know you’re burned out from summer but those new friendship flames need to be fanned.

Work: Listen, don’t be afraid to set boundaries in the workplace. Just because you’ve returned to the office, doesn’t mean your coworker can return to always being in your face.

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Love: You think that every complicated dating scenario is a game within a game. Calm down, he actually is into you, no need to sashay away.

Lust: Like “Jeopardy,” you’ve also been looking for a few new hosts. Maybe more than one a day. Call it the Daily Double.

Friendship: Top notch marks in friendship for you this month, just don’t be afraid to receive as much love as you’ve been giving. VERS IS KING.

Work: Every time you send an email outside of work hours a top doesn’t eat ass. Do you want to be responsible for that much pain? Didn’t think so.

Love: In the words of Roxie Hart, “You can like the life you’re living, you can live the life you like. You can even marry Harry and mess around with Ike.” Important caveat is you have to find yourself a Harry first, babe.

Lust: Adele is coming and you will be too. Just don’t cry when he doesn’t text back.

Friendships: Summer is over, but the fun definitely doesn’t have to be. Just remember, getting drunk in burgundy pants and chelsea boots says, “I’m not a regular gay, I’m a not so cool gay.”

Work: Listen up, queen: you’re stubborn because you’re good at your job, but a bit of flexibility goes a long way. I know you’re familiar with it in the bedroom. Now let's try it in the boardroom.

Love: The new moon has you in a perpetual high tide and feeling a bit lost at sea. It’s time you find a co-captain to help you steer in the right direction. You’re already very familiar with seamen, right?

Lust: Like the great Lionel Richie once said, “You’re once twice, three times a bottom. And I’ll breed you.” That is how Nicole quoted it on “The Simple Life,” right?                                

Friendships: Maybe you didn’t get chosen this summer, but cuffing season is here...if you’re into that sort of thing. Alexa, play “S&M” by Rihanna.

Work: You’ve been working overtime and definitely feeling underpaid. This is no time to be submissive, queen, tell ‘em what you deserve!

Love: There have been more “Drag Race” winners this year than you’ve had serious dating prospects. No shade, but you’re losing the game AND the game within the game.

Lust: There’s a new Tinashe album to f*ck to and you’re...tweeting? Ok...

Friendships: You’ve got more friendships than you do delusions of grandeur. Get your head out of the clouds, crab, your squirrel friends need you.

Work: You’ve been more moody than usual and the past few weeks have not been kind. It’s okay, take that extra snack in the breakroom. Calories count less during Mercury retrograde.

Love: You can’t eliminate every dating prospect that you see posting on Instagram without you. It’s giving Red Light, Green Light for men you barely show interest in.  

Lust: This month your legs are gonna be held up more times than voting rights legislation. It’s okay, you’ve been needing to get passed around the house floor.

Friendships: You’re always the center of attention and far from reasonable. I know you have pride, Lion, but that apology you’ve been putting off is long overdue!

Work: Lion, you’re king of the jungle and king of the Slack-back (Slack clapback). Watch that mouth though or you’ll find yourself in a meeting with HR meowing instead of roaring.

Love: You should hit a Midnight Mass because your love life is in need of some serious prayers. Time on your knees should be spent asking God for help, not your usual lip service.

Lust: You’ve been taking more direct deposits than your bank account on payday. You can bounce that ass, just don’t bounce checks. No Erika Jayne.

Friendships: You’ve been struggling through Mercury retrograde to get your gays in line. When all else fails, BRIBE or BLACKMAIL THEM. Be gay. Do crimes.

Work: Your creativity is peaking but your motivation is at an all time low. This isn’t something an iced coffee can fix, but a happy hour with your favorite coworker couldn’t hurt.