I was on Grindr before I knew I was gay. I mean, I thought I was gay, but I’d never dated or been intimate with a man before. So one night after a few too many vodka-Gatorades (don’t judge), I created a Grindr profile, complete with one—just one—photo of my headless torso, as most questioning men in the suburbs do.

Now, many years later, the app that pushed me to explore my sexuality is giving me the opportunity to do the same for others and, honestly, I couldn’t be more thrilled. Welcome to Gay Sex Ed, Grindr’s sex column for responsible, credibly-sourced sexual information for men who have sex with men (MSM).

When I came out, something I noticed straight out of the closet was the lack of legitimate sexual resources for queer people. This, on top of a sex ed curriculum that ignores queer people, means many of us have had to learn about sex through experience or word of mouth, which can be both dangerous and traumatic.

For the column’s inaugural entry, I thought it wise to choose a subject applicable to our current circumstance. Since sex with partners outside the home is prohibited, now is the time to be productive and train for the fateful day when you’re able to take a real life dick again. Fetch the lube, sweetie, It’s time to get your hole some exercise.

How to train your anus

The sphincter, like a bicep, glute, or quad, is a muscle and needs to be exercised in order to improve function and prevent pain. Think of it like returning to the gym after considerable time off. Your muscles are rusty, but after sticking to a regular training schedule, things gradually start feeling more comfortable.

In addition to making anal penetration more pleasureable, anal training can also help the body work toward larger toys, cocks, and other pleasurable forms of butt play, like fisting or gaping.

Training schedule

While there is no official schedule for bottom training, consistency is key since our holes are used to being closed tight for the majority of the day. Zoe Ligon, the “Dildo Duchess” and CEO of Spectrum Boutique advises that when you start training, you listen to your body instead of adhering to a strict schedule.

“Don't pressure yourself into a schedule that doesn't match up with what your body wants,” she says. “Awareness of physical sensations as well as bodily tension are key, so if you feel any rawness or see any blood, hold off and let yourself heal. Even if we take it slow, the rectum is delicate, and irritation/tears happen.”

Seeing red

Yes, unfortunately, even when taking all preventative measures, injuries can happen. The hole is a sensitive water sign.

“Blood, friction-y feelings, tension, cramping or clenching, and even mild discomfort should be taken seriously,” Ligon says. “Remember that you can eventually reach the colon with a long enough toy, so you must be cautious and gentle. When I’ve injured myself, it felt like a small discomfort at first, but upon completion it was very, very painful.”

If you see blood or experience any of these above sensations, stop what you’re doing. If there’s discomfort, try taking a warm bath with epsom salts for 10 to 20 minutes several times throughout the day, or use a warm compress. Drink plenty of fluids and eat fibrous foods to help make bowel movements less painful as you heal.

If the pain persists or worsens, consult a (preferrably sex-positive, queer-friendly) doctor.  

Lube up

Because the anus isn’t self-lubricating and the tissue is thinner and more sensitive than the rest of your skin, a quality lubricant is important. Silicone lubes (or hybrid water/silicone lubes) are a great bum-friendly option because they’re long-lasting, won’t evaporate, and don’t get absorbed into the skin.

I personally prefer silicone-based lubes since they have a similar texture to oil and are body-safe, but I should mention that these lubes cannot be used on silicone toys (basically, it just tries to liquify the device). “People love to use oils for anal play, and coconut oil is great if you're lubeless and needing a household alternative––just keep in mind that no oils are condom-compatible,” Ligon adds.  

Water-based lubes don’t have that same slickness, but a thick lube with a gel-like texture is a solid choice as it’s compatible with everything and is less likely to stain the sheets.

Necessary tools

There are thousands of toys and devices to choose from when prepping your pucker, but why not start with your fingers? They’re free, come in five different sizes, and can help you gauge what size and shape work best for your body before spending any money.

You can use dilation kits, which let you work your way up a series of toys with graduated sizes, or invest in a longer-term device like a prostate massager (linking to my personal fave), a dildo, or a butt plug. Again, you need to find your preferences in shape and size through exploration, since we all experience pleasure differently.

Whatever you do, make sure you purchase the items from a credible retailer, that the toy is made from body-safe materials, and that the toy has a flared base so they don’t get lost inside you (because your bum is a vacuum). We don't need any dildo emergencies in the hospitals right now!

Open wide

There is no such thing as too much lube, so apply it generously to both your finger/toy and your hole (for optimal comfort, invest in a lube injector to reach deeper in the anus), then slowly insert your finger or device until you feel even the slightest resistance.

“Tipping-in works much better than trying to insert something at a perpendicular 90-degree angle,” Ligon says. “That way you aren't ramming something against your sphincter and you're able to massage it open more gently. Once you're a little in, gentle swirling or side-to-side, up-and-down motions can help relax you further.”

When starting out, keep the toy inserted for roughly five seconds, remove it, and repeat 10 times for three sets. This will help ease your anus into the sensation of penetration at a speed and depth your body is most comfortable with.

If penetration isn’t your preferred training method, you can wear a butt plug for an extended period of time to get accustomed to the fullness of penetrative anal sex. However, it won’t exercise your sphincter the same way that active play with a toy does, which is more similar to the sensations of anal sex with a penis.

“Just be gradual in everything you do,” Ligon advises. “Some people require less warm up than others, so noticing sensations and relaxing matter a lot more than the specific length of time you play for. The more you do any sex act, the more awareness you'll have over the nuances in sensation. That is a more important skill that will lead to more pleasure than being able to take the biggest toy ever and going for marathon anal play sessions.”

Upsizing

Your body will tell you when it wants a bigger toy, Ligon refers to this sensation as a bum’s “size craving.” To test for a possible upgrade, try inserting a nail-trimmed finger alongside your toy and gauge how that feels. If you take it easily, that’s your green light to size up, queen! But if your body is resisting, you’re still in the yellow and should stick with your current toy.

“I personally discourage people from using inflatable toys because that's a great way to over-do it and injure yourself,” Ligon cautions. “I have seen some large toys in my lifetime, and as a large toy enthusiast myself, I personally knew when I hit my limit because I immediately yelled, ‘get this thing out of me now!’”

Have fun

Whatever your reason for anal training––to take a bigger cock or just enjoy anal penetration more––the rules are simple: use caution, start small and slow, use more lube than you think, and be consistent. If you can do that, you’ll be a cock destroyer by the time we’re allowed  inside each other again.

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It seems like there isn’t much to laugh about these days: Covid-19, climate change, RuPaul fracking (okay maybe the last one)—everywhere you turn there’s more bad news. But one shining light in all the darkness has been the hilarious and refreshing Instagram posts of Leslie Jordan.  

The actor, known for shows like Will and Grace and films like The Help, has run up 3.8 million followers in a month from his Instagram videos, reminding us all that sometimes you gotta take sour apples and make pie. The catch phrase, “Well Shit...what are y’all doing?” followed by his gut-busting stories have given us all something to enjoy while we try to stay sane during self-isolation.

From anecdotes about Burger King to his thoughts on Tiger King, Jordan has used his wit and southern charm to win over a massive following. The real tea behind what makes the 65-year old star such a joy during these times aren’t just his Hollywood stories, but the interactions he has with his family while adjusting to his place of self-isolation in Chattanooga, Tennessee.

While Jordan says that he never planned to spend his time locked down in Chattanooga, it seems that he’s doing everything in his power to make the best out of it. In the last few months he’d been going between Los Angeles (in an apartment that he believed he shared with Tupac Shakur) and Tennessee to visit his family. But after learning that he was going to have to shelter in place, Jordan decided that it would be better if he spent the time in an Airbnb closer to his mother and twin sister. “I love my family dearly,” he noted in another video, “but if I hunkered down with them, we might kill each other!”

So, to pass the time, Jordan thought it would be fun to post videos to Instagram from his Airbnb. That’s when something magical happened. The mix of a well-lived Hollywood doll and southern “tell it like it is” diva was born, giving us all the content we were craving.

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Earlier this month the star made fun of his new found viral moment, donning a suit and sunglasses while sitting with his hands in his lap. “You may be wondering why I’ve got sunglasses and a little suit on,” he said confidently to the camera. “Because that’s the way people dress who have one million Instagram followers.”

Each of the “categories” that he does in his videos adds to the flare of following him. “I’ve got categories I do,” he told The Washington Post, offering a little bit of insight into his world. “In one I might talk about George Clooney. In the other, I talk about my exercise regime where I use a back scratcher, because I have so many friends—especially in the gay community—who have rock hard abs and exercise videos. I said, ‘Well, I’ll do my own.’”

One of the joys of Leslie’s anecdotes is the insider information we get on stars he’s worked with. In what he calls “Pillow Talk,” he tells us about a time he got the chance to work with Ms. Faye Dunaway. “You remind me of my friend Tennessee Williams,” she once told him because of his amazing ability to tell stories. While he says that it was an honor to work with her, he ended the video by noting that she was, in fact, “Bat shit crazy.”

For most, what makes following Jordan such a treat is his down home humor and the stories he tells about what it’s like to be different. In one video, you get a story about what it was like to grow up gay, while in another he shares sentiments about how exhausting this quarantine is. No matter what Jordan shares, somehow, we all can relate.

“I’m not gonna tell you to wash your hands or wear a mask,” he says in one of his earlier videos. “My gift is to be funny”. When Jordan isn’t being funny or yelling at his momma, he’s showing us a more softer and tender side, reminding us that the only way we are all going to get through this is by being kind. “We’ve got to be kind,” he reminds us. “That’s just the way it’s gonna end, is that we’re gonna figure out we've got to all help one another.”

They say you’ve gotta laugh to keep from crying and we are so thankful to have Jordan’s Instagram stories to help us do just that.

Whenever I bump into someone I vaguely know at a gay bar, I know exactly which classic movie line to pull out the bag: “Deidre Chambers, what a coincidence!”

In P.J. Hogan’s 1995 movie Muriel’s Wedding, it’s used by the title character’s father, dodgy politician Bill Heslop, to greet his aggressively groomed mistress, Ms. Chambers, whenever she just happens to show up at a family gathering. If the person knows the line I’m quoting, I feel the unmistakable static charge of a shared cultural reference passing between queers.

Gennie Nevinson, the actress who so fabulously played Deidre Chambers, said a few years ago that “there’s obviously a cult of Muriel’s Wedding fans” and they’re “often gay guys.” This doesn’t surprise me at all.

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When I first watched Muriel’s Wedding on TV in the late 90s, I was a closeted gay teenager who hadn’t yet summoned courage to rent a recent LGBTQ+ film like Beautiful Thing or The Birdcage. The stingingly poignant story of Muriel Heslop (Toni Collette), a socially awkward young woman shunned by her sleeker peers in suburban Australia, really hit home. Like me, Muriel was an outsider whose taste in music deviated from the norm—she listened to ABBA instead of Nirvana, a preference I still endorse today.

When sister Joanie (Gabby Millgate) reproaches her with the iconic line “you’re terrible, Muriel,” I felt a kind of vicarious illicit thrill. Unlike Muriel, I hadn’t ripped off my family by using a blank cheque handed to me in good faith to pay for a fancy island vacation, but I had run up the internet bill by gabbing about Madonna in chat rooms for hours on end. We’re all rebel hearts in our own way, I suppose.

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\And unlike Muriel, my ultimate dream wasn’t to get married—for a gay kid growing up in the UK in the late 90s, marriage wasn’t even an option. But I could definitely relate to the way she equated getting a boyfriend with a sense of achievement, and how the ostentatious celebration of a wedding became a way of proving to people who looked down on her that she’d made it. Though Muriel is straight, not queer, she’s still different—and like all of us, she doesn’t want to feel “less than” because of it.

Muriel is also a liar, a scammer, and a thief, but she isn’t deluded: she knows full well that her marriage to handsome South African swimmer David Van Arkle (Daniel Lapaine) is a sham to allow him to compete for Australia in the upcoming Olympics. Even so, she approaches their lavish Sydney wedding with a sincerity that's both deeply touching and quintessentially camp. She even walks down the aisle to an ABBA song, helping to kickstart the Swedish band’s pop culture rehabilitation several years before Mamma Mia! came along.

In a way, Muriel’s great tragedy is failing to realize she’d actually made it before she got “engaged.” Reinventing herself as the less dowdy-sounding Mariel, she leaves her humdrum hometown, Porpoise Spit, and relocates to Sydney with her more adventurous best friend Rhonda (Rachel Griffiths). In the city, she gets a job, starts dating and begins to feel something close to happiness—it’s a journey towards becoming your best authentic self that any LGBTQ+ kid (or “Smalltown Boy,” as Bronski Beat once put it) will recognize.

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"When I lived in Porpoise Spit, I used to sit in my room for hours and listen to ABBA songs," she tells Rhonda. "But since I've met you and moved to Sydney, I haven't listened to one ABBA song. That's because my life is as good as an ABBA song. It's as good as ‘Dancing Queen.’"

Although spinal cancer cruelly confines Rhonda to a wheelchair, Muriel still ditches her for David, forcing her friend to return to Porpoise Spit. Muriel’s redemption comes when she calls time on her marriage of convenience—after an unanticipated night of passion with her hunky husband that I’m definitely not judging her for. Reinstating her original name as a kind of mea culpa for everything she’s done wrong, she returns to Porpoise Spit with some of the money she owes her family, and a tacitly apologetic offer for Rhonda: Come back to Sydney with me.

The film’s exhilarating final scene sees Muriel and Rhonda shout “Goodbye, Porpoise Spit!” from a cab window as they head to the airport and the promise of Sydney. It’s a moment that any queer young kid who shakes off the shackles of heteronormativity in pursuit of something bigger, truer, and more exciting will still find rousing today, 25 years after the film opened.

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If you’ve never seen Muriel’s Wedding before and think Cher belting out “Fernando” in Mamma Mia! 2 is the last ABBA tribute you’ll ever need to see, I’d urge you to think again— Muriel and Rhonda deliver a storming performance of “Waterloo.” Muriel’s painfully messy but ultimately successful journey towards self-acceptance is what makes this film an enduring queer classic that’s definitely worth seeking out; “Deidre Chambers, what a coincidence!” is just one expression of its glorious campy poignancy.

Check out the trailer below.

Dear Dad

I’ve been masturbating so much in self-isolation and I feel like I’m completely bored with it now. The romance is gone. Any advice?

—Run out of juice

ROOJ,

I’m glad you brought this up because I have a tirade prepared that I was hoping I’d be able to use soon. Go with me on this: masturbating is not fast food, it’s a fancy restaurant. Too many guys treat this sacred time as though it’s the Taco Bell of activities—go in, grab your order, eat as fast as you can, have a stomach ache afterwards. No, I say. No, no, no. Masturbation should be a full-course meal at a fancy restaurant—you order a nice wine (poppers), pick a fabulous entrée (memory of getting fucked at Folsom), and slowly enjoy your meal while you sit on a butt plug. Okay, I lost the metaphor somewhere back there, but you get what I’m saying—masturbation is a time of self-care and love and should be treated as such. No quick fix—a new toy or a better porn site–will fix your libido if you aren’t investing in yourself. Masturbate less, but masturbate better.

My husband and I had to move in with his parents due to financial reasons. Our intimacy has suffered since then and I don’t know what to do. Please help.

—Intimacy denied

ID,

There is the famous saying, “Hell is other people,” but I think I’d go one step further: hell is other people’s parents. I kid, I kid…mostly. Obviously being stuck in someone else’s space, especially during a quarantine, is not an ideal situation—that you’re living with your in-laws only adds insult to injury. You’ve got all the ingredients for trouble in paradise, but if I’ve learned anything in this life it’s how to bone on the sly, so here are a few pro tips: take a shower together, the water will drown out your moans and you won’t even work up a sweat. Go outside, I had a multiple orgasm in a tool shed once, heaven. Use a ball gag, if a man cums in his room without making a noise, did he even cum? Do a drive-by, go out for a nice Sunday drive and blow him in the car. Now, if none of this works it’s time to bust out the big guns—buy your in-laws ear plugs and recommend that they use them before bed.  

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I’ve been talking to this guy for a while now and we were supposed to meet up before the “stay at home” order. I haven’t seen anyone in a month, neither has he…can we meet up if we’re safe about it?

—Looking to connect

LTC,

Look, I get it, going through a pandemic is traumatizing, and going through one alone is also incredibly isolating on top of everything else. I, too, am in that boat, so I especially empathize in your wanting to meet up with a boy to...talk. However, it would be incredibly irresponsible to do so at this time. Your loneliness and desire for connection is valid, but lives are at stake. We have to sacrifice some personal desires for the greater good. Fortunately, physical touch isn’t the only way to connect with someone. If you really like him you should try calling or FaceTiming—not only will you get to know him better, but you’ll also be able to have phone sex. How do you think long distance couples make it work? Put your device to good use and blow his mind (and his load) with your scandalous wit, wicked tongue, and unlimited data plan. There are a million ways to connect, but for right now, it’s best to connect from home. Stay safe, LTC.

It feels like my boyfriend and I should break up. We’re fighting so much in quarantine, but he just moved into my apartment recently. I don’t know what to do.

—Stuck

Stuck,

Isn’t life so strange? It never fails to amaze me the way things fall into—and out of—place. When I was 23 I moved into a beautiful house with my partner. We had been together for three years and he was the one, no questions asked, so we splurged for our dream house: laundry, fireplace, backyard, even a fire pit! I had never lived so luxuriously. Two months later we got bed bugs. Everywhere. We had to pay four different exterminators and sleep on a cot in the family room for a month. By the end of it we could barely look at each other, so we broke up. We haven’t spoken since. I’m so sorry this is happening at such an awkward and difficult time, it sucks. Talk to your man openly and honestly, trust your gut, and then do what’s best for you both. Sometimes tough times reveal the solid foundation of a relationship, and sometimes they reveal the bugs under the mattress.

Remy Duran has been so omnipresent in the queer consicousness over the past few years that it feels like he’s always been there. From running Ty Sunderland’s infamous Love Prism parties, to being a contestant on MTV’s Are You The One?, to holding the dubious honor of being the most catfished man on Grindr, was there even a time before Remy was guiding us through the warehouse into the darkroom?

Being a queer NYC party personality is a full-time job—New York City nightlife is an artform all it’s own, and its history and heritage is well worth digging into. Recently, a new wave of party influencers like Remy, Ty, Aquaria, and others have added their own unique point of view to the NYC queer party scene. But with Coronavirus keeping everyone in self-isolation—the bars closed, the warehouses just warehouses, and the masses huddling in front of Zoom screens instead of Ty’s DJ booth—what does a nightlife star do when there’s no nightlife?

We're three weeks into official self-isolation, how are you holding up?

Being a nightlife person, I'm kind of losing my mind. I'm out of work, because nightlife...and I don't know when nightlife is going to come back, because that's the last thing that anyone's really going to care about. Everyone's going to be like, "Shut the fuck up, nightlife people. That's not the priority." And I miss hanging out with my friends, or just being low-key. I don't need a club, but I'm someone who's never in the house.

Are you self-isolating with anyone?

Luckily I am with my girlfriend right now, we're quarantining together. Before quarantine I was using Grindr as a place to find hot bi guys, or open gay guys, that was sort of my thing. It’s not easy to find bi guys...you would think guys would be up to have a guy, guy, girl threesome. No, it's the hardest fucking thing in the world.

That's not a tribe on Grindr.

No, I know. You guys should think about adding bi to your filters.

I will let them know your suggestion.

Much appreciated.

So, you consider yourself bisexual?

Have you dated more women than men?

Yes. I've only had one really serious boyfriend. I've casually dated boys here and there, but I've had multiple serious relationships with women.

When did you enter the gay nightlife scene?

I first got into the gay nightlife scene at 20. I was dating Andreja Pejić, but I was still, in my mind, thinking I’m a straight boy, she's a girl. I was just like, "Oh, my girlfriend's in the gay scene, because she's trans, cool.” It wasn't until after we broke up three years later that I realized you can send dick pics to gay men and then just go have sex. And that was pretty much that for me. That's when Grindr was newer, and I was recognizable from being out in the scene. Not in the gay scene, but just in the Brooklyn warehouse scene, and people would be like, "Oh, Remy?" And I would be like, "Oh, block, got to delete this." So I had to go on things like Adam For Adam, and dudesnude, because those, they're more--

You poor thing.

(laughing)

Yeah. Those are more down low, so I had to go there. And then when I finally came out, when I was like, "Okay, if I'm going to be out and really explore this, let me just jump all the way out..." I was on Grindr. And then I realized, I had never taken dick pics before, because I never needed to. As a dude who dated women, they didn’t wanna see that. And then I realized, guys need that. Especially as a top. So I started taking dick pics, and that's when everything started flourishing.

You’re known for your impressive member, can you give us a few tips on how to take a good dick pic?

I only have a few hard dick pics. Because the way my dick is, the curvature, it's not the most photogenic when it's the hardest. My trick is that you get it hard, and then on its way down, that's when it's perfect. Right when it's five-sevenths hard. But on the way down, not on the way up. That's the golden hour selfie. I have a good solid 10 that I've used throughout the years. And full-body ones with dick pic I'll update. But some that are just of my dick I haven't changed. I had a full-grown dick at 23, it's going to be the same at 28.

Classic dick.

Yeah. It's Remy's dick, it's recognizable.

What do you look for on someone’s Grindr profile? What’s that process like?

I go through Grindr profiles and I can pretty much gauge what people are looking for based on what they've written, what they put on a profile—whether they're looking for right now, or just sort of how sexually charged their profile is. And then I'll just send nudes and be like, "Hey, what's up?" And if they're interested, they respond. If they're not, they don't respond. And if they say, "Hey, I didn't ask for nudes," I'm like, "Oh, my bad. I apologize," and I say sorry and I block them.

Anything you don’t like on a profile?

The thing I hate on a profile is when people put what they don't like. It's just so negative. Just tell me what you're into. You don't have to tell me what you hate. You know what I mean? That's just like, "Dude..." And it's like, with Taps? You don't even have to click in the Taps tab!

(laughing)

We’re on such a fun topic but I haven’t even asked my second question yet.

I know, we just went on tangent after tangent.

What's your normal nightlife schedule look like when there’s not a pandemic happening?

Normal schedule is, I work six parties around the city. I work mostly GBU. I used to work NYJP a lot more, not so much anymore. But I worked GBU in Brooklyn, and that was every second and fourth Saturday.

What does that entail?

Oh, it's just naked clothes check. Just like a coat check would do, but I'm naked.

And then there's a dark room and dance floor?

The whole thing is a dark room. The first party of the month is underwear optional, and the second party of the month is naked only. You have to be naked to go in. It's a social party, there's a DJ, there's a bar, there's snacks, there's a room where it's definitely more speaking-oriented, getting to know people, and that's fine. It's not like, "Oh, dude, why are you talking, this is sex only." And then the rest of it is just a play area, a dark room. So, that's what I do, that's a good chunk of coin. Because I also get paid as a promoter for it.

Truly fascinating, do go on.

And then the other part of it is I work for Ladyfag sometimes, I've worked some of Susanne Bartsch's parties, but mostly I work for Ty Sunderland. Ty's my best friend. I'm the person who—not to say my friend group has somewhat of an ego—but we all sort of have our own stardom. I have the smallest ego, I'd say, as far as I'm willing to, if Ty needs someone to check stamps or wristbands at the door, I don't think I'm too much of a nightlife superstar to sit at the door and be like, "Oh, show me your stamp, blah blah blah." Because if I can help Ty's machine, if I can be the oil in Ty's gears going forward, then I'll do that.

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Make it flow.

Yeah, yeah. And someone he can trust and rely on, and someone that will always be there. No "last-minute cancellations," you know what I mean?

Yes, that makes sense.

So, that's what I do. And now, it's just quarantining with my girlfriend.

At least you're not by yourself.

Yeah, honestly if I wasn't with her...we're in an open relationship. I don't know, I’m worried I would break quarantine and go see her, which I shouldn't be doing, or break quarantine and go get my dick sucked. But also, it's tough, because the clinics aren’t open, and I ran out of my extra Z packs. I mean, I don't know how other horny people are managing right now.

Would you say you have a pretty high libido?

I guess. I don't know, quarantine has made me extra horny for some reason. I'm not normally that horny of a person. I like to have sex because I like hot people, and I like having sex with hot people. But I'm not someone who has to bust a nut every day. I'm just like, "If you're hot, all right, whatever." And it’s the uncertainty of how long this will last, so you just have this sort of pent up tension.

Nightlife is how you support yourself, correct?

Yeah. But the good thing is, quarantine has been really great for my nudes business. Which I started on the side casually, because somebody wanted to buy nudes from me on Twitter. That's the one thing that’s good. Now that everyone's pent-up and horny and stuff, I've been posting a little bit more raunchier pictures, like bulge pics to entice them to buy content.

Where are you selling these?

On Twitter. I'll post certain things on Twitter, and I'll be like, "DM me for rates." I don't like posting prices on the timeline. I just sell it directly through DMs. And it's been great. People have been super horny, and I've been making sure I'm making a certain amount a day to keep everything afloat. I'm the only person that—my mom, she couldn't even work before, so she definitely can't work now. I'm the main supporter of the household. I'm the only person paying the rent, the lights, the food, everything for both of us. So I'm just making sure that I'm making content. And having said that, I am officially doing an OnlyFans at the end of the month.

You’re a renowned top, yes?

Most considerate top?

Top legend.

Do you get sick of this branding, or has it been good to you?

I think it's fun. I definitely made a name for myself. Back in... 2015, 16, 17 sort of was the prime of my...let’s say that I had the highest score on Grindr.

You beat the game.

I was definitely on the scoreboard. And I made a name for myself. I mean, I don't see myself as a sexy person. I think I'm handsome, I think I'm cute, I think I'm charming, but other people see it, and other people put that on me.  But, I think mostly it's fun. It's camp to me. I mean, honestly Grindr is my favorite app. And I'm always looking.  But I am that annoying guy on Grindr that's not looking for “right now” anymore. I had my first wave of discovering my sexuality, and my gayness, and hooking up with all these guys. And now I'm more selective. I definitely still am much more gay than I am straight, but I'm at a point in my life right now where it's much more quality over quantity. Whereas before it was just, "I want it all."

How are you practicing self-care during the quarantine?

I'm changing my diet! I was eating whatever before, but now I really have time to plan out my meals, and evaluate things. And Zoey, my girlfriend, is definitely helping. She's the juice queen, so we buy lots of fresh fruit and vegetables. I wake up, and instead of getting something unhealthy, we'll start with juice and a smoothie, and then get a substantial lunch. The first three weeks, I was sort of a couch potato. And I still somewhat am. But now I'm like, "Okay, it's been two weeks. I can't just do this, because then time is really going to feel like it's taking forever." We're going to do a whole cleanse.

What's the first thing you're going to do when you get out of self-isolation?

What do you miss most about New York City nightlife?

I just wish this shit happened when winter was starting. This is the worst time. Summer in New York City is when the city comes alive. That's when the city is most vibrant, and it’s own creature. Now I feel like we're going to miss all of it. We'll probably get out of this by September, realistically. And it's just like, "Okay..." And that's just the first wave, because I know this thing is going to come in waves. We're going to have to self-isolate again probably come December. You know what I mean?

Yes, I think we’re all dreading that anticipated second wave.

That's the one thing I’m scared to miss, that moment when summer starts and we all come out of our caves. That first day in the park, that first trip to Fire Island, all those firsts.

No coat check.

No coat check, absolutely. Yes.

What do you think about the attempts to bring nightlife experiences online during isolation? Have you heard of Club Quarantine?

Ty Sunderland's been doing a bunch. He did Love Prism. I get really bored with lives. I'm not someone who goes live often. I think it's cool that people are really engaging with it, and it's really helping them. You know it's funny, you would think that gays are the ones who are really wildin’ out and going crazy and getting naked. But it's the straight people, and all these celebrities' Instagrams, like Tory Lanez, they're having Club Rona on the weekend. Everyone's in there watching these girls twerk and do crazy shit, it’s really nuts. Gays just want to dance. We just want to listen to pop music. It's the straights that are going crazy.

We just want to dance to the new Dua Lipa.

Yeah, the new Troye Sivan too.

Do you think that Corona is going to affect NYC nightlife in the long term?

I don't even know what people are going to do. Obviously nightlife is affected, because how are these clubs going to pay rent, you know what I mean? I’m hoping they freeze rent in April. I get it, March, you shut it down mid-month, so we all had half a month to whatever. But in April, none of us really have been able to make money in a legal way. You have to freeze the rent. And, what is $1200 going to do? Not even just for single-payer renters, but what are bar owners going to do with $1200? They're paying tens of thousands of dollars for rent. What are they going to do with that? That's the thing people aren’t thinking about, but it’s a huge part of our culture. Bars are important places to let loose, socialize, interact, be human.

Are you working on anything right now besides your nudes?

Besides my naked body?

Besides working out the body for the people. The masses.

I've been writing a comic book for the past few years. It was on the back-burner because I’d been going through so much—people in my life passing, and a stressful relationship that I got out of, and then another friend passing—I needed to focus on being happy again, and I couldn't write because I couldn't be in the house. I needed to get out and be around friends. And being at home... it's different. Some people find solace in being home. I don't, because when you've been somewhere for almost 30 years, it feels like, "I need to get out of here. I've been here since the beginning of time." You know what I mean? But now I can sit down and take time out of my day and have a schedule. I'm not going out and getting paid to party and drink. I have some structure to sit down and write for at least an hour.  And also maybe get back into designing too. So, that's what I'm going to work on.

Do you have any thoughts about people still going to hook up during the pandemic?

I was on Grindr just this morning. I woke up early, and I was just checking it out, seeing what the situation was like. And someone was like, "Oh, well I already got it, and I'm recovered, so you can come over." I'm like, "No. No, hell no." I get it, everyone has needs, and some people are hornier than others, but just because you got sick, or you feel like you got it or didn't get it, it's really about taking care of other people. It's about not being in transit, and not exposing more vulnerable people. Because New York is crazy right now. At least wait until the last week of April before you break.

Baby steps.

Everyone is at an understanding that we're all stopped. And it's peaceful knowing that we're all in the same predicament, where we don't have to compare what we're doing to other people, and it's like, "Oh, this person is doing all this." Now we're all doing nothing. You know what I mean? There’s solace in that. It’s like, "Okay, I don't have to compare myself to others anymore. We're all struggling in this." So that's sort of the only sense of peace that I’ve had. Everybody's sort of on the same page, and we’ve all stopped focusing on ourselves and are focusing on what we can do for each other. That's kind of nice.

When Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) took the floor on Wednesday, March 25th to address the Senate in the midst of discussing the Coronavirus Aid, Relief and Economic Security (CARES) Act, he said something that caught the attention of many queer ears, certainly mine:

“Our nation obviously is going through a kind of crisis that is totally unprecedented in living memory.”

Unprecedented in living memory?

In all understanding, there is truth that I, a millennial living and writing in New York City, have never experienced a pandemic such as COVID-19 in my lifetime. I can validate the statement to that degree. But to the millions of gay men and queer folk who fought, died, or currently battle with HIV/AIDS, to say there is no one in living memory who hasn’t known the hardship of what we’re facing today is an insult.

When COVID-19 first started to appear in New York City, I was at once reminded of terrible times past: perhaps most importantly for me as a gay man, the AIDS crisis of the 1980s.                                                                            

Robert Bryan, a Stonewall Veteran and former Men’s Fashion Director of The New York Times confided, “Indeed, there are many similarities with AIDS then and what’s happening now.”

"Our lives were at risk [during the AIDS crisis],” agreed Arnold Mungioli, who identifies as a Survivor. “We stayed informed. We took in and shared as much information as possible. We had no help from the White House. We were dependent upon ourselves and friends of our Community.”

Senator McConnell’s unconsidered observation instinctively reminds me of Vito Russo who participated in the ACT UP Demonstrations in Albany, NY (May 1988) and at the Department of Health and Human Services in Washington D.C. (Oct 1988):

“If I’m dying from anything, I’m dying from the fact that not enough rich, white heterosexual men have gotten AIDS for anybody to give a shit.”

Or, as another Survivor said to me: “Maybe now straight people will know how we felt.”

Well, now that we find ourselves face to face with a virus that indeed threatens everyone, let’s break it down:

This virus is novel. This “crisis” is not.

On March 13th, President Trump declared COVID-19 a U.S. national emergency, which effectively opened up $50 billion in federal funding. For context, this action was taken only 52 days after the first confirmed case of the virus in the U.S.; 43 days after the World Health Organization (WHO) declared “a public health emergency of international concern” for only the 6th time in world history; 16 days after the first confirmed COVID-19 deaths in the U.S.; and 2 days after WHO declared the virus a “pandemic.”

In a timeline comparison, AIDS cases began appearing in the U.S. in 1979. However, the epidemic wasn’t acknowledged as such until 1981; didn’t receive its name – Acquired Immunodeficiency Virus – until 1982; and HIV wasn’t discovered as the cause of AIDS until 1983.

That’s 4 years against Trump’s 52 days.

And on March 25th, the same day Senator McConnell addressed the floor with his “unprecedented” statement, the Senate passed The CARES Act, the largest economic rescue package in U.S. history, set at $2.2 trillion. The bill then went on to be approved two days later by the House of Representatives and President Trump.

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So where was this bipartisan and financial support for those fighting an epidemic in the 80’s? Randy Shilts, an American journalist and AIDS victim, gave us an answer in 1987:

“The Reagan Administration, eager to cut the size of the Federal budget and reluctant to champion the needs of homosexuals or addicts, repeatedly resisted taking the lead against the epidemic. … The bitter truth was that AIDS did not just happen to America - it was allowed to happen by an array of institutions, all of which failed to perform their appropriate tasks to safeguard the public health.”

It is, by all means, a modern marvel that we are fighting COVID-19 as fast as we are. Much credit is due to those putting themselves on the frontline saving lives and working to find a cure. But the hypocrisy, and frankly privilege, of deeming which epidemic is worthy of attention in living memory is a hard, unprecedented pill to swallow.

Unfortunately, worth mentioning, there are two things that have remained the same between AIDS and COVID-19: fear and stigmatization.

Just as fear of transmission took hold in the 80’s, so did it with the social distancing of major cities on both coasts of the U.S. The toxic mix of ignorance and paranoia as to how COVID-19 could be contracted (though the CDC was quick to clarify) held the doors wide open for fear to become stigmatization.

As Marti Gould Cummings, drag queen and NYC Council Candidate for District 7, explains it:

During the AIDS crisis, our community was pushed to the side, ignored, and that virus was labeled a ‘Gay Cancer.’            

Prior to its formal naming in 1982, that epidemic suffered its own labels. “Gay Cancer,” “Gay Plague,” or “GRID” (Gay-Related Immune Deficiency). It wasn’t until September 1985 that President Reagan even addressed it by its name, well into his term.

On February 11th, in a conscious effort to avoid naming the virus after a geographical location, animal, or group of people, WHO announced the formal name COVID-19 – (Co)rona (Vi)rus (D)isease 20(19). WHO’s Director-General Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus went on to add, “We need to fight in unison. And stigma, to be honest, is more dangerous than the virus itself. And let’s really underline that: Stigma is the most dangerous enemy.”

That, of course, did not stop President Trump from taking to Twitter with a total of seven tweets – still active on his account at the time this article was written – wrongly using the name “Chinese Virus.” Nor did it stop Secretary of State Michael Pompeo from using the name “Wuhan Virus” at a press briefing, to the dismay of G-7 European Officials who were present.

It did however result in the FBI needing to put out a statement on March 27th: "The FBI assesses hate crime incidents against Asian Americans likely will surge across the U.S. … based on the assumption that a portion of the U.S. public will associate COVID-19 with China and Asian American populations."

The point stands, through false names and a proven history of epidemics in this country, this “crisis” we’re experience is nothing new. It’s just claiming new victims this time, and those in control continue to look for scapegoats.

Nevertheless, regardless of number or cause of death, the impact of any single death still remains a significant loss to us all. Each valued no less than the rest. Notably to the LGBTQ community during this time, Tony-award winning playwright Terrence McNally who championed gay stories and chronicled the AIDS epidemic through his work so that generations to come, including myself, would have a voice to speak on topics such as this.

As Marc Acito, playwright and novelist, posed the questions to me:

Will we look back on this pandemic as the literal last gasp of the patriarchy? Will this crisis enable the power of love to overcome the love of power?                                                                        

Come this November, when we’re hopefully free from social distancing and we take our rightful place at the voting polls, perhaps the outcome of the election will provide us an answer.

Let your frustrations, wherever they may lie in this tumultuous time, help shape this country. A country that deserves health while paying respects to its past. A country selflessly mobilized by love and community. A country that deserves a leadership as effective, as empathetic, and as proud as the people who define it, gay or straight.

Reunited (and it feels so good)

Grindr was one of the first apps I downloaded in 2016 after I got my first smartphone and four months after my partner of 20 years died the day before my 53 birthday.

I managed to work my way around Grindr in no time: putting up pics, getting used to the lingo, giving people my nickname, and figuring out who was cool and who wasn’t. About a month after I joined, I talked to a guy who seemed sexy and smart, we had major chemistry, and by that afternoon he drove over 78 miles to meet me. I will say the sex was great. Afterwards, while we cuddled, I noticed that he’d taken a strange interest in the scar on my left arm. In fact, he was fixated on it. After a moment he rubbed his finger on the scar, looked up at me, and said my real name.

Now, except for family and long gone friends, I hadn't used my real name in almost 15 years, and I’d been using a nickname on Grindr. Who was this guy? When I asked him his name, I was floored—it was my ex-boyfriend of thirty years, George. We laughed for a good ten minutes about how I got that scar thirty years ago, and caught up on the past three decades of each other’s lives. I couldn’t believe I was reunited with a friend when I needed one most. We still hangout, and on occasion, have the best sex ever as well.

Running errands

One time my boyfriend got a message from this tatted Latin man named Vince telling him to come over. At the time, my boyfriend and I were running errands in my car, so my boyfriend told Vince he was with a “friend” and Vince told him the friend could come along and watch. Vince said he would be waiting fully naked with the door open, and he was not exaggerating. As we pulled up to the address Vince was standing in front of his house fully naked with his cock flopping around the highly visible street.

Vince greeted us at the door and my boyfriend instantly got on his knees and began blowing him. This prompted me to get on my knees and start sucking his balls. A few minutes into the double blowjob Vince told us another man would be joining in. The man ended up coming a few minutes later and turned out to be a high school sports coach, bearded and hairy, yum. He approached my boyfriend, who was on his knees, whipped out his hairy cock, and shoved it deep down my boyfriend’s throat.

As I gagged and choked on Vince’s fat sausage, my boyfriend and the coach both came at the same time—the coach inside my boyfriend’s throat and my boyfriend all over the floor. Meanwhile, Vince started moaning loudly and shaking, shoving his cock further down my throat until he released deep inside me. The coach pulled up his uniform shorts and headed back to school as me and my boyfriend got up, thanked Vince, and continued our ride around town.

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Las Ramblas Rumble

The first man I ever met from Grindr gave me one of the hottest experiences I’ve ever had. I was in Spain on vacation with my parents for two weeks exploring the country. One night while we were staying in Barcelona my parents went to bed early, and I was feeling restless, so I downloaded the app. I started talking to a man named Mateo—he was an art student from Madrid who was staying at his friend’s place in town while they were away. He invited me to come over and hang out.

I walked down Las Ramblas a few blocks until I found his flat. He came down and opened the door—I was taken by his moody eyes and an impish grin, and was immediately transfixed. His flat was antiquated and charming and looked out over the sprawling street. He poured us wine and we began to kiss mid-conversation. He asked if he could bathe me. I said yes. He poured a bath and undressed me, kissing and caressing every part of my body, taking my cock in his mouth and sticking his tongue deep inside my ass. Then he put me in the bath and used a bar of soap to lather my whole body, washing my pits, my cock, my chest.

After he was done washing me he got me out of the tub and dried me with a towel, then he whispered in my ear, “I want to be inside you.” He laid me on the bed and pushed my back down so my ass was sticking high into the air, then he stuck his tongue so deep inside me I let out a gasp. His tongue was so big it felt like a cock. He ate me out for a long time and then I felt his hard cock brushing against my leg...he was ready. He brought my ass down, entered me, and began whispering to me while he slowly worked up a rhythm of thrusts.

He pulled my hair back as he pushed his cock deeper and deeper inside of me. I was so close to cumming that I couldn’t even touch my dick. After pounding me for what felt like hours he pulled out and grabbed my hand—he took me to the balcony overlooking the street and leaned me against the railing. He entered me again and I emitted a soft cry out into the vacant city. He told me to scream his name while he fucked me. I started softly mewling, “Mateo!” out into the night air, but he wanted it louder, so he pulled my hair and told me to scream his name.

He was so deep inside of me and I was so close to cumming that I let out a guttural: “MATEO!” As I screamed his name in the early morning light we climaxed. Mateo then led me back into the bedroom and laid me on the bed—we fell asleep together and I crept out in the early morning.

We’re all familiar with their their endless vacations, effortless thirst-traps, and self-deprecating-but-not-really captions, but does anyone ever take the time to ask an Instathot what’s actually on their mind? That’s about to change, right now. In this edition of #ThoughtsWithThots, we’re asking some of our fave unabashed thots the age-old question:

Should you have sex and then go to dinner, or start with dinner and then have sex? More importantly, why?

The Top Thot: @Remdelarem

“Sex almost always comes before dinner, and usually not in the same night. If we have sex and then dinner immediately after we might as well be in a relationship at that point. Sex always comes first cuz what are we, heterosexuals? We do things the gay way around here!”

The Funny Thot: @ihatejoelkim

“I’m firmly team fuck-then-eat, not because of any misconceptions about how the meal could affect anal, but because of the real threat of a conversation completely ruining sex.”

The Body-ody-ody Thot: @barrette_

“If the other person insists, I’ll do dinner first, but if it’s up to me, sex before dinner.

Especially if he’s hung and i’m tryna wreck that thrussy. trust me. cleaning up partially digested chicken parm off his 11” tall can is not the look. 🥴 Also, sex first, because if you’re not into it, you can get off, then skip the dinner & small talk. It’s a win-win.”

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The Nude Lip Thot:  @Madisonnwerner

“Dinner and then sex. Wine and dine me, honey! I think it’s super cute to connect with your partner through conversation before letting him have allllll the access. Feels more real and important that way... if I feel like he’s attracted to me in more ways than just sex, I have more fun when we do it.”

The Zaddy Thot:  @Thegarrettswann

“I could be a prude and say have dinner then sex, but let’s get real, most men I know want to dive in the sack first. The truth is I'm more driven by sex first then the meal. The benefits are:

1. You’re more relaxed for dinner after having sex
2. Sex increases appetite
3. Post-sex usually leads to good dinner conversation and a laugh at what just happened
4. Sex on a full stomach is never fun
5. After dinner, you get a great good night kiss”

There’s a lot of information out in the world right now about COVID-19. So much so that it can be pretty overwhelming—how do we decipher what’s fact and what’s fiction? While navigating the influx of daily updates can be difficult, especially if you are a person who keeps up with every press conference and news article, there’s a doctor in Los Angeles who’s made it his mission to ensure that the LGBTQ+ community has the vital information they need to stay informed, stay safe, and stay hopeful.

For Dr. Leo Moore, Medical Director for Clinic Services at the Los Angeles County Department of Public Health, this hope means using his degree for the good of the community—something that he says he learned from his family. “I was raised in a family of nurses,” Moore laughs, saying that care for the greater good was something that he always centered in all of his work.

“I always knew I wanted to be a doctor,” Moore notes, expressing that for him the dream started at the age of five. “I’ve always been interested in helping people and I knew that I could do that by going into medicine.”

After medical school at Morehouse School of Medicine in Atlanta and a residency at Yale’s Primary Care department of internal medicine, his focus on ending the HIV epidemic in the Black and Brown community is where he first noticed that so many people lacked access to someone in medicine who could advocate for their wellbeing.

Now, Dr. Moore is using both his knowledge and his platform during this COVID-19 pandemic to do something that’s essential for the LGBTQ+ community: provide well researched and practical information. Through his series “The Practical MD”, Dr. Moore is helping the LGBTQ+ community get answers to the questions that cause them concern during this time.

“You know, when I heard about COVID-19, my first thoughts were that not only did this escalate quickly, but how hard it would be for some folks to get access to the accurate information,” Dr. Moore notes. “I was also worried about how folks were going to get access to proper testing if they got sick and proper access to quality care.”

It’s not just concern over the spread of the virus that’s driving him to step up, but also the spread of misinformation. “I am always worried about how information is getting back to marginalized people,” Dr. Moore shares, “but more, how this was going to affect queer/trans people of color, the homeless, and the undocumented.” For Dr. Moore, it’s knowing how marginalized groups are usually hit the hardest when these types of events happen.

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“I knew that this pandemic was going to have a greater reaching effect and implications on LGBTQ+ people,” Dr. Moore says, noting that this pandemic shouldn’t be taken lightly by the community. “Queer people and queer people of color could be severely affected by this because many—particularly queer people of color—are often on the margins and don’t have the support and resources they deserve.”

And Dr. Moore is right, considering the statistics that were just announced by the Human Rights Campaign—17% of LGBTQ people lack health coverage and one in five LGBTQ+ people have not seen a doctor when they need to because they couldn’t afford it.

“It’s important for me, as a provider and a physician, to help people make good decisions for themselves,” he says, highlighting how even in a short amount of time COVID-19 has done a number on the community. “COVID-19 has already devastated the livelihood of a lot of people and I anticipate that we will have a lot to consider in the next few months. While the government is talking about it and seemingly working to ease the tension, there are still a lot of people with a ton of questions.”

What’s important for Dr. Moore is knowing that he is in a position to help end the mass confusion and fear that everyone has around this virus. “Hysteria is rooted in misinformation,” Dr. Moore shares, stating that he hopes to use his platform to change the rhetoric around COVID-19. Knowing and understanding the tumultuous relationship that LGBTQ+ people have had with the healthcare industry, Dr. Moore wants to be the link in mending ties.  

“There is a lot of mistrust in the LGBTQ+ community when it comes to doctors,” Dr. Moore says. “And the government is often connected to medicine, right? We know the history—it goes back to the ‘80s and the start of the AIDS epidemic. There is a history of medical mistrust. But the only way to ease that concern is to get clear, concise, and well-informed information.”

The goal for Dr. Moore is simple: to provide practical information that is going to make people feel like they have someone in their corner, something so many people need during this time. Dr. Moore’s message and work is about giving people, specifically LGBTQ+ individuals, access to information from someone they can trust in a time where misinformation is prevalent.

So what does Dr. Moore hope to achieve with their new platform? “I want people to get information that isn’t just opinion, but evidence based,” he says. “I not only want to advocate for those who don’t have the answers, but I want to change the way we think about COVID-19. We need more stories highlighted in the media about the amount of people who are recovering and returning to their everyday lives. COVID-19 does not equal a death sentence. I just want people to know that. ”

Now that is some practical advice. You can find out more on Facebook and Instagram.

*Dr. Leo Moore is a public health advocate and all views and opinions expressed are his own and not a representation of the LA County department of health.

Read of the Month: Danez Smith’s Homie

We’re kicking off our monthly reading series with Danez Smith’s Homie, a book of poetry that bursts with unbridled joy and sexuality, even while sharply surveying the current landscape of racism and violence in America. Through the grace and power of Smith’s words, Homie brings to life a world where survival, friendship, and hope all intersect to form a kaleidoscopic vision of present-day realities. Press play above to see them read an excerpt, and dig into our interview below for more on how Homie came to be.

PATRICK: Homie came out yesterday (Jan 21), congratulations. How does it feel when something so personal goes out into the world?

DANEZ:  I think I made my peace with being an artist whose work exists in the confessional realm a long time ago. I  just realized that to make art was always going to mean giving up a little bit of myself or revealing the personal in every little bit of what I do, whether it is actually about me or not. I think that was just part of being an artist for me, or at least like how I think about my own art. And so, yeah, I'm at peace with it. I guess it's not too bad. Because I always know that as personal as the art can be there is always a self that is not up for consumption.

PATRICK: This is now your third major work. Does releasing it feel different than the first or second book?

DANEZ: Oh, that way is the same every time. I think I was hoping that by now it would feel different. You're always on pins and needles and you hope that a book will touch people in the ways that you never expected and you always hope that your art is going to be useful and felt by folks. It's always scary to have new work coming into the world.

PATRICK: I'm obsessed with writer’s schedules as, I think, are most writers. What does your writing day look like? Do you have any rituals?

DANEZ: Hm, I don't have any rituals. I think writing happens however your life looks at the time, you know? I guess that is to say that I've had rituals in the past, but that it changed with the season.

PATRICK: What was the writing process for Homie?

DANEZ: I don't remember. It's too much. It's like, you live your life and it's about what other things need your attention and time, whether your relationships are at peace or your friendships, or your family. What’s going on with your health or your money? If it was tax season, do you need to stress about that for a little bit? Maybe not as much writing happens. Everybody wants to know, “How do you get it done?” You just sit the fuck down and do your writing. It's a discipline. It's an end like whatever your life looks like. Then you look for the areas in which you could write into, sometimes that happens abundantly, and sometimes you're writing for like 10 minutes in the dark hours of the morning or right before bed. Sometimes you're writing on the train on the way to work. And so, you know, I think that the trick is just if you’re a writer you write.

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PATRICK: The book Homie actually has two titles, why?

DANEZ: Because I could [laughing]. I didn't know if it was bold or spectacle to actually put “my n**” on the front. And I think I was very conscious about the publishing industry and about who buys, you know, what is the mechanism in which books move and who reviews those books and advises books and all that kind of stuff. I also didn't want non-black folks to do with the N word, and my book, what they do with it in hip-hop: which is to enjoy it. So I called it Homie, which I think is also a true title for the book. There is this sort of wall, you know, through the type of the second title page and the little office note that kind of addresses, like, hey, you are more than welcome here. You know, there's some champagne in the back and just like, watch your mouth. You know, don't touch the good stuff.

PATRICK: You use humor a lot in these poems. Is that important to you?

DANEZ: I don't think my first book was very funny. “Don't Call Us Dead” has some moments of dark humor, or maybe call it camp? Even within those heavy poems it’s sort of like laughing at a funeral. It’s like somebody laughing at a very dark German fisting porn.

PATRICK: My favorite type of humor.

DANEZ: Yes, my favorite too. I think part of the engine for Homie was writing through joy and I think inviting humor into the situation because I think humor is one of the ways that we can touch joy easiest. And plus, I feel like I'm pretty fucking funny. I think I'm on a mission to find a voice in poetry that feels indistinguishable from my own, and as I've moved and walked through the world, I’ve realized that humor is something that makes me feel more like myself.

PATRICK: I want to talk about “On Faggotness” because it concerns one of my favorite subjects: faggots.

DANEZ: Yeah, I guess, I identify more with being a faggot than I do with being gay, and I think it's because faggot, um, or even just like capital Q queer, really signals political position as well. I like the attitude of “fuck trying to inch towards normalcy.” I think the end goal for queer rights is far beyond, you know, adoption or marriage. Not saying that it can’t include that, but that I never want the desire to make queer look as close to straightness as possible. Cool faggots move the world. Who are faggots? I think that poem isn’t done yet. I think it's just like, you know, it feels like a poem in the middle of several columns to me. You know, how can these old ladies at the gym be faggots? How are me and all my friends faggots in different ways? What is it that makes a faggot, a faggot?

PATRICK: “My President” almost subverts the expectations of the title to celebrate instead of deride. What made you explore this path?

DANEZ: I realized, or I guess I kind of always knew, but it’s always kind of been like, fuck the President. Even the “good ones.” I wanted to subvert the idea of what a president could be like—it's just a person who you follow. And who do I actually follow, but the people who I live amongst and create amongst, and walk alongside and who actually make the living happening, little by little, every day. Those are the people that you follow, like fuck all these presidents, right? It’s just that the Presidency has never had our best interest in mind.

Move over, Oscars—awards season isn’t officially over until a gaggle of celebs unite in Hollywood to celebrate the biggest stars in the queer community. No, I’m not talking about the Str8UpGayPorn Awards…I’m talking about The Queerties. We hit the red carpet at this year’s soirée to ask the question on everyone’s mind: “What is the gayest thing that happened to you this year?” Dig in below to find out about Willam’s favorite Palm Springs activity, the time Ira Madison met Wendy Williams, and so much more.

What is the gayest thing that happened to you this year?

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Dear Dad

What’s the best way to friendzone someone you’ve been hooking up with?

—In the zone

In the Zone,

Befriending a hook-up is a noble and worthy cause, like using metal straws or putting the “coexsist” bumper sticker on your car. One clear way to let a gay male know that you’re not attracted to him is to call him “girl” or “sis.” You know what I mean, gal? The minute a tall drink of water calls me “girl” my eyes start darting around the room seeking my next victim. You could also show him pics of guys you want to fuck. Not exactly the gentlest way, but he’ll definitely get the picture. Once he realizes you’re on to greener pastures, hopefully he can get on board and you can be gal pals to the end of your days.

My dad’s best friend and I have been flirting for two months, is it cool to have sex with him?

—Daddy’s boy

Daddy’s Boy,

Hey, isn’t this the setup to the last CockyBoys video? Ya know, this week’s theme was meant to be about having sex with your friends, but this is too good to pass up. As a man of a certain age, the thought of my kid sleeping with one of my friends makes me want to die. However, I am aware that boys will be boys. If you feel safe and you don’t think your father will find out, why not? Better yet, if you’ve got an open and honest relationship with your father, why not just ask for his blessing? My only caveat is that if your father is a gay male and he’s slept with this man before, absolutely no. That would just be weird.

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My friend and I recently hooked up and I’m have feelings for him, but I’m scared about ruining our friendship. What should I do?

—Friend or more

Friend or More,

I get this question a lot. People are always worried about exploring relationships with friends, mostly because they’re worried it could potentially ruin the friendship, but also because, in my opinion, they know it could lead somewhere fantastic. I think fearing a friendship will be “ruined” is a tad misguided. Relationships evolve; if your relationship with a friend is evolving into something more, something deeper, that’s a beautiful thing. After the romance fades, when you’ve explored your sex life to the furthest reaches of the universe and the honeymoon period has faded into the distant horizon, what you’re left with is friendship. Starting from a place of friendship is like having the strongest foundation possible for a relationship. Don’t pass up the chance to explore out of fear. If you really believe you have feelings for them, reach out and touch...something. You never know what’s waiting on the other side of friendship.

My best friend just slept with my bf (we’re open) but didn’t tell me. How can I approach him about it?

—Prickly Sitch

Prickly Sitch,

I’m so bummed to hear about this situation. Obviously if he was a true friend he would have asked you before engaging in sexual relations with your bf. And then there’s your bf—I can’t imagine that him having sex with your best friend was ever on the table? This is a prickly situation and I’m sure you’re feeling upset and reactive, but keep your wits about you so you don’t make the situation worse for yourself. Talk to both parties and see what happened. Was it a drunken mistake? A stupid crush? It’s best to find out specifically what’s going on. If it was a mistake that they both regret, then you need to decide if you have it in you to forgive and move on. If it is something else, or part of a bigger pattern, then this might be a good time to re-download Grindr.