Butt is the New Face

Everyone knows you need to take care of the skin on your face: you wake up and wash your mug, apply lotion, and maybe even a little sunscreen—before bed you apply night cream, possibly a mask. But few of us have any sort of routine with the skin on our butt.

And why not? After your face, the butt is your most salient calling card for potential partners. You primp in the mirror for hours making sure your hair is nicely coiffed, trim your pubes, and put concealer under your bags, but what are you doing to make sure your asset downstairs is living her best life?

Culturally, the ass has been gaining traction for years. Even straight people eat ass now! Imagine. But, just because we’ve become more open to the pleasures of the derriere, doesn’t mean we’ve learned to take proper care of it. That ends now!

I decided to go on the hunt for the best beauty products for the butt, test them out, and give you all the tea: how to moisturize, lift, hydrate, scrub, exfoliate, and shine your way to a better butt.

Studio ready hot coffee scrub

Best Scrub Before You Get Ate

Studio Ready markets their Hot Coffee Scrub as a premium scrub designed to make eating ass an even more enjoyable experience, and after using the Hot Coffee Scrub this week, all I can say is—pour me another cup.

The scrub has a chocolatey, espresso smell that wafts through the shower as soon as I opened the lid—then, as I rubbed the scrub around, the sugary texture polished and buffed in a way I’d never experienced. Afterwards, my butt was glistening, like when your car goes through the wash and gets a fresh wax. I could smell the cacao long after, and the taste? You’ll have to try for yourself.

Anese that booty tho

Overall MVP Award

That booty tho from Anese is a walnut scrub that you use in the shower to help target stretch marks, acne, and cellulite. This scrub took me the most by surprise because, upon first smelling, the non-existent scent was a major turn-off. I thought that a beauty product had to smell like a candle to win me over. Boy, was I wrong.  

That booty tho blew my mind. I was transfixed by the sensation of the super fine scrub lathering my butt. The best part was how clean and soft my skin felt afterwards, like a baby’s behind. This scrub is top-of-the-class-valedictorian-headed-to-an-Ivy-level good.

Anese down with the thickness

Best for a Plump Rump

This clay mask from Anese helps plump and soften that bum, particularly in problem areas.  Though I don’t have any of those, I decided to give her a go anyway. And thank god. This pink confection that looks like Pepto-Bismuth and smells like Elio’s peach is sheer heaven on an ass.

The mask needs to sit for 15-20 minutes, so you should get your phone and scroll on social media or Grindr while you wait for the clay to harden. It can be a bit runny so let it tighten before you move much. Once I washed the mask away it revealed a skin plump and light and ready for a good smack.

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Sol de Janeiro Brazilian Bum Bum Cream

Best Smell

Bum Bum Cream has become something of a cult favorite of beauty bloggers in the past couple of years—it’s an all over body cream that’s “infused with all-powerful caffeine-rich Guaraná extract”. An equation I’ve developed over the past month of product testing is that Caffeine + Butt = phat ass. It’s no theory of relativity, but just as important.

Bum Bum Cream packaging is so beautiful that you don’t want to unwrap her, but when you do you’re met with the sweetest smelling lotion—a bouquet of Piña Colada and Starbursts. It reminded me of applying tanning lotion while on Spring Break in high school—one of my fondest memories, frankly. Bum Bum Cream is the creamiest lotion of the bunch—one dollop and your ass shines like a brand-new nickel. Hours after applying my butt was just as smooth and still smelled like Coconut Rum. Heaven.

Bawdy Beauty butt mask collection

Best Mask

Sure, you’ve done a face mask from CVS—maybe even a mud mask from the Korean Spa, but baby, you ever done a butt mask? Welcome to the new wave of self-care—butt masks are sweeping the nation as a quick way to perk up your derriere in a pinch. Got a date and need to freshen her up? Put a butt mask on it. Want to wear your speedo to the beach but haven’t had a scrub in ages? Put a butt mask on it.

Which brings me to Bawdy Beauty and their collection of Butt Masks, each one unique in its own way, my personal favorite being Squeeze It, the citrus mask made for rejuvenation. Leave these on for a quick 10-15 and watch in amazement as your butt gets a cute refreshing lift. Bawdy recommends taking a “Buttfie” after to show off your perky butt in all its glory.

Green heart Labs butt acne clearing lotion

Best Buttne Cure

Buttne is so rude. There’s something truly insidious about finally leaving high school acne behind only to have a resurgence of it in your 20’s—on your ass. I used to not want to hookup on nights when I had a pimple on my butt; my insecurities about my body stopped me from having sex. The horror! Hopefully, with products like Butt Acne Clearing Lotion from Green Heart Labs, those days of Queer twenty-somethings hiding their butts in shame are over.

The lotion itself has a super refreshing vegetal smell, and the non-greasy formula didn’t leave my skin feeling sticky after using. Sometimes acne cleansers dry your skin out, but because this is a lotion, my skin felt clean and smooth the whole day, no dryness spotted.