How To Initiate Sex: Tips for Reviving a Dead Bedroom

How often have you heard about relationships going weeks, sometimes months, without any sex or foreplay?

We already know the answer: too many times. You might even be in one of those dry spells with your better half as we speak. A lack of intimacy in a relationship often feels demoralizing, and you may start to wonder if your partner even finds you attractive anymore.

But this mindset assumes sex just happens organically for the rest of your days together. On the contrary, laying pipe without putting forth some effort is a pipe dream. That’s why we’re here to give you tips on how to initiate sex so you feel confident getting you and your partner back in the saddle. 

Why sex fades in long-term relationships

You’ve probably heard of the “honeymoon phase” before. Every relationship goes through a period where everything feels perfect. He always smells amazing, everything he does makes you laugh, and the thought of his naked body nearly makes you cream your jeans.

But this shiny newness can’t last forever. Even a great relationship levels out to some extent, and life continues on. You remember all your responsibilities, and the new relationship energy can no longer sustain you through sleepless nights spent texting about all the things you’re going to do to his holes.

As the novelty of a relationship wears off, one (or both) of you may lose your desire to keep things going in the bedroom. Before you know it, you’re on opposite ends of the couch, sending each other memes in footie pajamas. And that sounds awesome! But does it also have to come at the expense of a bit of sexual intimacy? 

Of course not! Your sex life doesn’t have to fade just because you’ve been together for a while. Reading this article is a good first step toward bringing it back to life. You’re making intimacy a priority, which is crucial for a healthy sex life and a fulfilling relationship.

Why initiating sex is important

Maybe you want to initiate sex, but you feel like you shouldn’t “have to.” Perhaps you’re hoping things will just get better with time. A happy couple shouldn’t have to make a conscious effort to copulate, right?

Not quite. Making love is just another way couples communicate, and somebody has to start the conversation. So, show you care by making your desires known to your partner.

Maybe he doesn’t feel sexy in his footie pajamas and doesn’t realize you still see him that way. Reaching out with a simple touch — perhaps a foot rub for those feeties — says a lot. It communicates love, attention, care, value, desire — and maybe the beginnings of a foot fetish if you linger there for a while.

Like any kind of communication, having more sex — and talking about having more sex — is fantastic for your relationship’s health. If sexual intimacy is important in your connection, then knowing how to start sex is crucial. You’ll strengthen your bond, make each other feel sexy, and get your rocks off with the coolest person you know.

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10 ways to initiate sex

Taking the initiative to start sex can be scary. No one wants to feel the hot sting of rejection when they go in for a kiss and their partner says they’d rather just lay in bed and binge-watch English Teacher.

Try these creative angles. They might spark his desire to try some other creative angles together. (Ever heard of the Boston Crab?)

1. Schedule it

Scheduling sex might seem unsexy at first. But if it’s helping you and your partner find time for sex, then it’s kinda the sexiest thing you can do. Sure, you may need to “circle back” a few times and move some things around to make it happen. But if the problem is that you don’t have time for sex, you can show him he’s a priority by saying every Wednesday at 8 p.m.

2. Start with a massage

It’s hard to leave a massage without getting hard yourself. Treat a sensual massage like its foreplay. Take your time to build that sexually charged energy until you’re both ready to rip each other’s clothes off — except, in a convenient turn of events, they’re already off. 

3. Take a shower together

It’s fun to get clean before getting a little dirty. Try taking a shower with your partner and see where things go. Maybe you’ll have hot, steamy sex against the bathroom mirror. Or maybe you’ll take those freshly scrubbed bodies to the bedroom to experience a different kind of wet.

4. Flirt

When was the last time you tried a pickup line on your partner? If you’ve got “game” and/or “rizz,” it’s time to turn it on full blast. Get creative enough with your words, and the talking won’t last long.

5. Use role-play

Role-playing can be a sexy means of getting in the mood. Try it while you’re flirting to switch things up. You could pretend you’re Fiyero from Wicked, here to give him a lap dance in a jockstrap. Or maybe he’s more into the skrungly, Boq-type guys. Play whatever role it takes to bring out his great and powerful wizard. 

6. Wear something sexy

Is there a piece of lingerie or leather gear that makes your partner leak with desire? Head into the closet, dust that intimate off, and prance around the house. Flash a few sexy signals (or body parts) to show him you mean business, and you’ll find that lingerie on the floor in seconds.

7. Share your fantasies

Do you wanna make it so good he don’t wanna leave? Then, you’ve gotta kn-kn-kn-know what-what’s his fan-ta-ta-sy! Talk about what gets your dick rock-hard or what never fails to put you in the mood. Ask him the same questions. And if you and your partner aren’t already getting down and dirty by the end of the conversation, you can start planning to turn his fantasy into a reality.

8. Be playful

Just because you’re carving out time in your Google Calendar for coitus doesn’t mean the interaction needs to feel like a business meeting. Sex is fun! Make your initiation playful and coy to remind your partner that pleasure is all about joy. You know how to put a smile on your partner’s face, so try that before you put something else on his face.

9. Show more affection

Showing affection by holding hands or letting him have the last bite of dessert can subtly induce some of that horny energy you’re after. Nonsexual physical intimacy builds desire between you, eventually encouraging sex to happen more naturally as you associate affection with fornication.

10. Communicate

If all else fails, you can try the straightforward approach: telling him you want to fuck. Sometimes, acting playful and affectionate doesn’t translate directly to “I want to rail you on the kitchen counter.” You might need to be more explicit by asking, “Hey, would you like me to rail you on the kitchen counter?” 

What if I want sex, but my partner doesn’t?

First, you should accept that this happens. It doesn’t necessarily mean there’s anything wrong. Everyone has phases and moods when they’re less horny than they’d like to be. Being in a relationship means riding out the seasons of your partner’s life. Still, we understand it’s disappointing when you desire intimacy and your partner doesn’t. It’s what you do with that disappointment that matters.

Rejection is hard, especially if you’re really trying and your partner doesn’t reciprocate. But you’re not here to push for sex or make him feel bad for lacking the same horny hunger you have. That definitely won’t get him in the mood. Instead, focus on supporting him while communicating your needs — and do it respectfully, please. 

Don’t be afraid to ask for that ass

Feeling horny is easy when your libido is sky-high on the fumes of finding that special someone. But you can’t rely on that forever to maintain a healthy sex life. 

So, take the reins. Give your partner a big kiss and tell him you want to see him naked. Maybe you won’t have sex then and there, but seeing the smile on his face when he realizes you still find him sexy is gonna feel just as good.

Need some practice learning how to initiate sex? Or maybe you want to find a guy who can outlast the honeymoon phase? Grindr is the perfect place to start. Take some initiative and download the Grindr app today.